Wrecked My Savings, My Car, and My Chances at Happiness
March 21st, 2018; WUW
Listening: TT0: The Journey Through
Figured I'd get that out of the way first and foremost. Could honestly chuck that up to something "I should've sent" long ago. If I'm being truthful, I suppose somewhere deep down inside, I thought there may be some slim chance or hope of there being an "us" again somewhere down the line. But well, given the circumstances....
I wrote of zero at the last "check in." Since, I've been trying to figure out just quite what that meant. Since then I've almost died several times. I took a risky trip in an even riskier mental state. Needless to say, I'm broke again and my car needs about three grand in repairs. It's funny because this is the only outlet to share that. There's no one else I can talk to about this all. I am alone again after all. Prostitutes...
Don't trust drug addicts, or something along those lines. I started watching "Breaking Bad." That was a line uttered toward the end of season two. Made me laugh and want to put a bullet in my head at the same time. I know this is withdrawal. I know it's going to hurt for a good long while but it's also something else. The something else mixed in is what's making this so much more of a hassle. If it just hurt it'd be whatever but it's like it's there but not there at the same time. I can't even force a cry. I can't get this out, it's just buried so deep that I can't even touch it but at the same time it's consuming me whole. What the hell is this new pain?
I'm not working right now. All I have is time. Time to dwell and it's ten kinds of "great." Timing couldn't be any better. I just keep thinking about one thing more than anything else. 'How could I have handled this better?' I felt the end coming so I crafted an out for her. Just didn't expect her to take it so soon. Just didn't expect her to have thought so little of me and my feelings and my soul laid bare for her. My fault for thinking I mattered. Been down that road already though. I don't matter, yadda yadda. So what now? Zero.
What does that mean though? Deconstruction. That's actually step two in the path but I won't be able to function much longer at this rate so I don't have the luxury of time anymore. I need to break down to the foundation before I can start to build again. Unfortunately for me that means This place may very well be going dark for awhile. Collateral damage. Or maybe not. Who knows. Just that if I do this right, I won't be this anymore. So I guess I can thank her for that.
A new adventure awaits. Never felt so ill-prepared in my life. The hallucinations aren't helping either. Still not sleeping either. But that doesn't matter right now. Have to keep moving forward. And with that, another important step. Goodbye Kim.
Time to start Chapter Two, at Zero.