While I Was Homeless...
March 14th, 2018; WUW
Been a while. If the title is indicative of anything, it's that I was homeless for a bit. That doesn't exactly encapsulate all the time I spent away but again, with the scheduled posts it's not as though it'd be all that noticeable. Noticeable. I'm writing for an audience again instead of myself. I realized that such is what this has become. It saddens me.
I had a lot of time to think as I was in between domiciles. I Snap'd my time in the wind. It was interesting to see the people that showed concern. Some familiar. Some unexpected. Really put things into perspective. I wanted to respond to all of them but I couldn't. I didn't. I was still reeling from the loss of my only friend. The first person I let into my world in many years. Needless say, she ended things. Honestly, the worst part wasn't that she didn't even say goodbye, it was the fact that she gave up on me so easily. The fact that since January she was pulling away. The fact that she started lying and manipulating me. The fact that throughout it all I would've and still would give just about anything to have her back in my life.
We weren't dating. Just turns out we weren't really friends either. I realized that when she stopped trusting me. When she would respond to me like all the others I come across in my life everyday. I thought she would be different. For a while she was. She seemed to listen to me and was actually interested in my life. But then after what happened I wonder now if it was just all about the money in the end. Was it a con from the start or did I tank things somewhere along the way? Answers I'll never get I guess. So what of the answers I did get? I think I finally found out why I'm stuck in misery. Maybe.
I am not human. Bold claim but it's the truth. That's where I've been going wrong these past few years. I got a taste of humanity and thought it could be something for me. I was wrong. Sadly it took this meteoric fall to show me that. What was it I used to say back in the old days? 'Things like us don't get to die happy?' Yeah. It's really odd how a stroll through one's crudely documented past can reveal an almost prophetic insight into the world and its inhabitants. Odd and then some.
My biggest error in judgment was when I stopped looking outward and started trying to focus inward. There's where and when all the conflicts started. The core of this being isn't made for that. While I am merely a passenger, I should've known not to try to steer. I've lost sight of the revelations, of the philosophy, of Guardian. I am but a dull blade as I am without. I understand that now. But I don't know just how to get back or even if such a thing could be possible.
I haven't abandoned anyone. I haven't let go of anyone. But perhaps that is the problem. Every fall is just a drop back to zero. Every build is on the same failed foundation. No. I'm mistaken. The foundation is sound. I've just not made it to zero. I keep building from one. Morribb. I need to start back at zero.
Thank you. Another adventure awaits me. Soon I will be required to be something greater. I won't be ready but I will fight. That is my purpose. Fight. Save all. My name is now as it has always been. My "place" no longer eludes me. This world could never have one for something like me. I mustn't forget that again. Never again.
Let's start, Day Zero.