What I Should Have Sent
January 19th, 2017; email (drafts)
I wasn't expecting to be doing this. In fact if I was completely honest with myself, I thought I'd gotten to a point. No. Sorry. I thought that things had gotten to a point where maybe. No. Sorry once more. I mean to say, a point where things absolutely had gotten to a point far past the point of no return. I've failed at a lot of things in my life. Even more things after I left New York those four years ago. I want to make jokes. I want to say how it's "kinda funny" that its been five years since we spoke. Something, anything to break the awkward of writing this but it wouldn't help. I don't think anything would help. And even if there were anything as far as hope would be concerned; hope for what? What am I hoping for? I'm still depressed. Surprise. I still feel like a burden to everyone. Most especially the people I care for. Especially to you but here I am. Doing something I feel to the fiber of my being to be the worst thing I could do. But I feel like garbage and I'm all alone. Not that I haven't these past few years/decades but I can't shake the fact that when you were in my life, at least there was some semblance of light in the dark. I wanted so badly to see you smile. To see you happy because you brought me the joy of living. The desire to keep going. Because I could commiserate with you. Because I never felt like I had to be "on" with you. I could just be myself and you were willing to accept that. I'm so sorry. It's too little, too late but I really hope you can believe me when I say it was for you. At least that's what I've told myself all these years. It was all for you. I cut myself off from the bright parts of my life so as to not darken them any further. I didn't then and even now still regret that I'm at this point but I miss you so much. I truly do. At what feels like another end of another pitiful life I've come to lead, I feel so much more empty and am clinging to the only things. No. The only person I felt good about. I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember feeling like trash when I was with you. I remember the anger I felt after the birthday party at the cold winter night. I saw the ugly that was me. I wanted to be with you in a way you didn't. I resented the fact that there couldn't be more but at the same time I knew that feeling was misplaced. That's the essence of what made me realize I needed to leave. I had to go away from you. From all of you. My dearest friends. My family. No. The ones who meant more to me than family. I'm so messed up. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it'll help because I know now for sure that I'm more broken than I've ever been. I can string together words anymore. I can't see the future anymore. I really just feel like I'm anything else than anything I thought I was. Anything I ever wanted to be. I'm just in such a dark place and I think this is my reaching out. I miss you. And I always avoided ever being this honest with you. I felt scared. Scared that the only person I felt free with would reject me. I felt like a tool being used by everyone else for everything else but you were different. I miss the marina. I still listen to the CD. I still and will always feel like I left a piece of my heart with you. I'm just so sorry that I'm just so dumb. So, broken. Honestly, I've contemplated any number of different excuses over the years that I could attempt to contact you with. But here I am. At my highest low. A shell. I miss you. I loved what you were to me. To the me that could bring you any sort of happiness if there ever was such a me. I don't know that you could be anything to me now. Because even after writing all this. Even after every word, you'll never see this. I'll never send this in earnest. I want you to be well. I want to believe you're doing great things and found happiness and have someone who makes you feel great and see within you that bright glow of excellence you exude. You were perfection to me. Completely unattainable. I wanted to remark how at least there's one joke in this mess but I realize that at best you wouldn't get it and at worst you'd take it the wrong way. I've fallen so out of touch that I don't know anymore. This is my world of regret. Please be well. Please be at peace. You deserve happiness. I'll never stop believing that. Sorry, I couldn't even just end with the joke.