June 3rd, 2017; iphone notes
Why don't I feel anything? Is this the role or is it me? What am I doing here other than wallowing in my own pit of, of, what is this? I don't know what I feel right now. It's not depression. It should be but it doesn't feel heavy. Where are the feelings. Why can't I find them? She said I was passionate but then why am I having so much trouble trying to find the part of myself that is worth genuine connection? Need to stop the manipulator. Or is that all I am now? Am I so lost that I'll never be able to be free? Who am I even asking these things right now? I know my place now. That's what I feel. Finally I feel something. Embarrassment and shame. There's the place I exist within. I played the game and lost. The world owes me nothing but will take everything I have and more. Burn it all. Get rid of every last bit. Guardian is all I'm allowed to be anymore. It's the only thing this pain is good for. Stop retreating. I am acting like a child. I've been spurned once more. Even money isn't enough to bypass my social ineptitude. But I knew this already. I need to stop turning away. Embrace this feeling. Let it hurt. Let it cut deep and let it all bleed out. Free the pain and be freed by it. Have to hold on. Feel it fading already. I want it. I want something. Anything. But I've tired of this game. Hurt me, wound me, break me, but unless your final answer is death STOP WASTING MY TIME. I wonder what my voice sounds like now. I wonder what I am after all this. Have I changed at all, I suppose I'll find out somewhen else. Call me something else. Let me be anything else. Or will pain eventually bring me to the truth. Saint Sage Guardian or Deadlamb Wonderland. I can be anything but me. Anything but free.