January 29th, 2013; tumblr
It feels like this page has gotten pretty stagnant. The amount of content I’m putting out has well, yeah, been stifled. I can’t really express why. I honestly don’t really have any idea why it would be. But maybe that’s not too bad. You see, I think I actually learned something because of that.
It’s sort of “the running joke of the month.” Truth be told, it’s more of the joke of the week. It stems from a song by Childish Gambino. It’s the title. All this time I’d been trying to reclaim something lost. I thought I had forgotten how to feel emotions. I thought I’d lost empathy. I didn’t think it possible to relate to human beings anymore but now I wonder if that’s what makes a human in the first place. If I pretend to care, if I fake it, what if that’s really all there is to it? Just the effort of trying makes it all meaningful.
Who am I kidding, I’m recycling a plot from an old television program. But for perhaps the briefest of moments, I felt better, maybe? I think I miss humanity more than I could ever allow myself to admit. But that just doesn’t seem to stop me from taking every action I can to separate myself from it. To actively act in direct opposition to what would be deemed reasonable. I call it a “Guardian complex.” But maybe it’s just as simple as psychopathy.
I’ll be forever tired at this rate. Taking on the pain of the world is bold. I’ll have to hollow out myself more if I’m to have enough space to accommodate. Can’t remember why this all started. Was I that ruined as a child to sacrifice any semblance of a delusion free existence?