Saturated Saturday Number One: Guardian.
February 24th, 2012
Well now this is a new one. Usually I do a whole intro and stuff for planned, new, structured content but this, while new, was never truly planned and thus lacks the structure of the five day format of my original scheme. That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it from here.
Today was an interesting day to say the least. I received a call from the world-renown writer and inspirational-ist (what so I'm looking ahead a couple years, sue me) Michelle Vargas. She has shifted gears and is now taking on the profession of Life Coach. Due to circumstances in my favor, I was privileged enough to receive a session from her. Now I won't go into too much detail about it but frankly speaking, it wasn't easy. In fact what it set the stage for this day is my primary reason for making this entry in the first place.
Now I was tasked to attempt an exercise which would produce unforeseeable results upon completion. Okay, sounded easy enough and though a little hiccup or three held up the progress, the initial findings were successfully acquired. Bringing this to now, two unexpected outcomes came about this day. An old connection was revived and one, seemingly, lost.
I received a call from my older brother today. We hadn't spoken in over a year and today he randomly called me as to inquire about the absence. He wasn't particularly pleased with my answers but I tried to be as honest as possible as to not belittle his intelligence with straight lies. The conversation, however, ended on a note I lack the emotional understanding to categorize. But I guess we're 'talking' again so I guess that is something.
Now, I also received another call, this time, from an old friend which really was just a return call from one I made earlier. Unfortunately it was just as peasant. The whole time I kept thinking about how something felt off. I couldn't quite figure it out. There just seemed to be some pulling away going on but I couldn't grasp it wholly, let alone a reason why until even later on in the evening when I received an email from that very same, old friend.
I won't go into detail about what they wrote to me but here I will display what I replied:
Ah, email, the purest form I know. Let's tackle this shall we? No issue with delays, it's not as if I'm going anywhere after all. So lets see what you're getting at. Hmm, I can understand the sentiment but please do try to see it from my point of view. No video has said, 'go email someone you care about to let them know you care about them.' The video in question only helped me realize that I don't take the time to express my appreciation for what I do have in this world and that maybe such has affected my ability to receive such appreciation in return. The words and feelings expressed are all mine, if not a bit sugary. But we'll call that optimistic instead.
So, yes, we did have fifth grade together. I know this because it was something I noticed in a class photo of that year. That and I remember an instance when we had some sort of class dance situation going on and I won a pencil. That is the only concrete time I can place you in that class. No offense but, because of that, I most certainly stand by ninth grade assertion as our "official" meeting. Now I'd just jump right into the next section but at this point of reading I already felt what was coming next. Even as we spoke on the phone earlier it was pretty apparent. Now I've chosen to do these challenges because frankly it's not as actively taxing as other tasks and there's nothing to lose but plenty to gain from these new ways of interaction. Interaction with people being something I've found myself grossly loosing the ability to perform adequately. So, well, moving into the next bullet.
I don't attempt these "challenges" because I have to. I do so because I choose to.
And, now we come to the part that I was dreading as soon as I started reading your reply. Distance? Okay, if that's how you feel then by all means. I do not understand the place where that is coming from but I will respect it if you feel that it's for the best. As I mentioned earlier, I could feel this outcome as early as our conversation on the phone. Perhaps even as early as last week. But hey, it is what it is. I don't harbor any ills toward your decision and just hope it helps. That said, I guess this is it for however long it takes. Be well and find peace.
It's already sent out and waiting in the wings to be read but at this point I've found myself with so many thoughts of TWO thoughts. That's right, only two thoughts are spawning all of this chaos in my head. The first thought being that this friend has decided to pull away because of my decision to take part in challenges set forth to improve myself. And in a message sent to express my appreciation for them, they replied with the exact opposite of what I had hoped to expect from anecdotes shared in reply to the initial video challenge. Were it simply silence, that would be that, but I was met with was what seemed like a request to stop being friends. At such a point all I could do was continue to speculate (as I am now) about the reasoning behind such an extreme response. Thinking about what had changed lately, wondering if all this was worth it in the first place; I began slinking back into that dark depressive state I knew all too well. It was then that the second thought rang forth. I wasn't the same any more. I still feel the tinges of depression but I largely don't have the same dark inclinations. For the first time, in a long time, the mission was more important to me than dying.
I've taken on a multitude of names and personas and yet the mission has never actually changed. Depression, suicidal inclinations, all that, but what kept me anchored was the mission. I really feel I owe a large bit of it to the new influences I've found in life. Influences such as Michelle Vargas. Her words, vlogs, and book, have helped me realize how limiting I was to myself. How it was fear that was holding me back regardless of the mission I had set out to accomplish. And, now, armed with that knowledge things just seem all the more clear. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the depression, the anxiety, the fear, but now, more so than in a long span of years, I feel the drive that started me on this path in the first place. I feel a sense of motivation to finally strip away some of the self-generated chains that have clamped down my soul.
This undertaking is nothing of ease but that perhaps is why I have to do it. So I may still struggle with people and even simple things like genuine feelings but the regrets, the failures, all that means to me is that I can't die just yet. And for this cause I'd fight for eternity to bring it to fruition.
Thanks "Coach!" And thanks also to CourtneyPants, Dodger, and essentiALLY5. Just a few vloggers I've come across who have dared to share the personal struggles. The stories all have shared and the strength of will and character such actions have displayed, has helped me find something I myself thought long lost. Something I'm ashamed to have forgotten so long ago. Something only stories of super heroes had articulated to me as a kid and even now still, as an adult. Thank you all and to any I haven't directly called out, I sincerely apologize but graciously thank you as well. Its been too long since I felt the need but here I now stand leagues closer to the old me, my core, free.