"March Madness or the Beginning Part II"
May 05th, 2013; email; AFG
This one’s going to be a bit different. I think this one might very well be in the vein of what I originally planned in the first place. This will be an actual email along the lines of those I’ve come to be known for. “Known” is such a ridiculous accusation considering I really do send so few of these anymore. Well unless you count the woman I met. Our correspondence rarely, if ever, drops below 300 words at a bare minimum. But this isn’t about her. I think I’m writing you because this is something that I’ve wanted to do for a while now. Like a legitimate while. I even have a post-it on my desktop alluding to it. It’s just that serious. Though, the post-it was for a story and this, is going to be completely grounded in reality. Though who’s to say reality’s any different anyway?
I generally hate facebook. I know I’m on it a lot at the moment but if I could I’d transition away from it completely. It reminds me of so many of my shortcomings that I can hardly say I don’t cringe whenever I’m on it. I’m absolutely fake. The only time my words hold any sort of merit are when they’re in writing. Perhaps that’s irony? I won’t say this to anyone else and I don’t expect to talk about it either because everyone has something going on. You have stuff going on. But, I want to believe this is something you’d be able to handle. Something you’d be able to hold on to without toppling. I may be asking too much. Actually I’m pretty sure I’m asking too much. I always do. That’s how friendships with me always are. And then, eventually they die because of it.
You could call all that a precursor to something deeply personal that I plan on sharing. You could also take this time to close this message and delete it since what comes next, doesn’t have to. You don’t have to be burdened with it. I wouldn’t blame you if you decided against such discourse as, to outweigh your curiosity, the ensuing conversation that would surely follow would involve inclusion into such a miserable experience. Like I said, this is honesty right? Well, I’m stalling. I’m pulling out all the stops to get to the point where you’re bored. No longer interested. No longer focused on this so that you don’t bother with it. I’ll still type the words but the increased likelihood of them not being received by you is preferable. I ask for way too much of people. Sorry.
Strategically speaking, the best place to put it would be the middle of a paragraph. You’ll notice how long this email is and realize immediately that I went way too “hard” and probably proceed to skimming. That said, the further in the information, the less likely you are to make note of it. But that’s standard. I don’t actually know how you read these things. We’ve never had a long drawn out one that’d allow me to comprehend your particular process. And this is the point where I go off on a tangent. Something along the lines of how human interaction has become like a chess match for me. Something about being generally dead inside and whatnot. So much of that because in earnest I’d be following the path set before my mind but by doing so, would sacrifice the original point. But what I want to say has me too focused. I can’t lose it. I want to, but I’m stuck and now this is my attempt to cope. It’s sad. I’m sad. This should be a new paragraph but again, strategy dictates otherwise. She is no longer friends with me on facebook. I say she instead of her name or the moniker I came up with for her because I know your eyes would be immediately drawn to that. Of course now I’ll also have to extend every following paragraph to follow suite with this one though. I’m pretty sure I’m evil.
Who even thinks up these things? I’m literally running through my own strategy to you about what I’m trying to accomplish here and now with you. How ludicrous must I be to do such a thing?! I guess it’s that real. It’s not. I’m just saying that for effect at this point. I just noticed it and realize that it’s the same old all over again. I just thought it was going to last longer. At least until after we got back. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m being dramatic but really it’s because I invested a lot of myself into that friendship. The let down makes me question if I should’ve even bothered accepting people into my life again. I don’t know if you committed to memory the fact that it was fairly recently that I even bothered to acknowledge anyone as a friend. Something that person said was the catalyst and now with them being the first to leave, how could a domino effect not be expected? I know I could probably sort all this out. No, actually given that person’s temperament, I’m not too positive anything I could say would matter. Though I also know I could at the very least attempt to do something. I won’t though. I can’t. Because even though I really did cherish it, like I said early, I always ask too much. How could I not rationalize it being better to let someone off of this miserable ship before it finally sinks for good?
I know I’ve written a lot and I can only imagine how angry you are for me doing this and in such a manner. I have too much control over the things I put into text. It’s inconceivable considering how much silence accompanies my public persona. Though maybe it is because of that fact that I can do so much in this, oh so silent, form of communication. I don’t know what I’m hoping for with this but I do know the symbolic gesture alone has sparked all of this. I’m writing all this; rather, I’m able to convey all of this because that person was important to me. Was, is wrong. That person is still very important to me. And the lesson I’ve learned, or will learn from this experience will alter every action I make in the future with every new potential friend I come across as well as all those I have currently. I can accept I’m weird but I just want to believe somewhere there’s a place for my particular brand. Maybe it’s asking too much. Though the person I’m talking to, she helps me feel like such a place could exist. I think it’s only because of her that I have this renewed sense of hope. But, again, this isn’t about her. Then again, I feel as though, as long as she remains in my life, everything I put my all into creating will reflect what she stirs within me. I do not like being able to feel again. But, I like her.
So, that was something huh? As far as absolute measures of lunacy go, I’m don’t imagine you were too prepared huh? I sit here wondering how you’ll respond. I wonder if you’ll even respond. It’s hilarious cause as I’m typing this conclusionary paragraph, Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” has started playing on the radio. Yes, I have a radio in my office. Cool big boss man desk and what not. Alright, I’m tapped. Not really. I could keep writing but there is still work to be done and I imagine this should suffice nicely. Thank you. I owe you a lot. More than I think you realize. I owe anyone who continues to stand by me more than even my words can convey. Take care, I hope to hear about your day being amazing later tonight. I’m looking forward to one of our regular chats. Have a wonderful day!