Just Like That
January 10th, 2018; WUW
Turns out I'm pretty trash still. Every time I use that name I feel nauseous. That won't make much sense but it's not as though that matters. Wednesdays are for me. Everything else can be for the world. Just at least let me keep this.
I'm writing here because if I'm being honest, it's not as though anyone would read this. And, if anyone were actually to do so, it's not as though it'd be anyone who'd understand just what any of it means. I write here because I find myself in a position where I no longer feel free to speak. I'm back to a world without friends.
Wow, that was the hardest sentence I've had to complete in a pretty long time. I guess coming to realizations'll do that to you. Last week, "I met someone." This week I realized how naive I was. Today really. Pretty clear I'm insane since I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe next time I won't delude myself into thinking it something more by calling it "hope."
"I met someone." What a fool I was and still am. The person I met was what I was looking for, searching for, begging for even, for just so many years. A decade plus! Someone who didn't need me, didn't need my help, didn't need my support. Someone who would be my confidant. Someone I could be truly free with. Someone I could share my all with. Someone I could love? I guess it would always have to go to that if I'm doing that level of sharing. Of course this person can give me all that except the last. A person who doesn't need me, but wants me. Sharing their life. Duly noted brain. Let's see if we can get it right next time.
I haven't felt this low in a while. It's slightly above my lowest which such be evident by the fact that I'm still creating but definitely not anywhere near as happy as I once was. Just last week. This may just be the worst of it. Here's hoping. Probably not going to help that I'm having wicked flashbacks of the last time I was in this situation. Probably definitely. Next year's going to be a stacked week of updates. That'll make more sense next week.
I don't feel like sharing with this person anymore. I don't feel like letting them in any further because I'll just get more and more attached. Attached and desiring a future they've already debunked. I'm a pretty trash friend. What do you know? Full circle.