"Eunuch"

January 8th, 2013; tumblr

I’m three days into it now. Technically two but three nights all the same and I’m not sure I ever had a handle on “it” to “lose” in the first place. This won’t be as esoteric as they tend to be so, please, continue.  Its been difficult feeling sane for a good amount of time now. Like, longer than a decade, good amount of time. If that means anything I guess it’d be the explanation for why I am the way I am now. But, this isn’t really about that. not directly anyway. Yeah, not directly.

The first day wasn’t too bad. I’m lying. I’m always lying though. Everyone is so happy. Everything is so relaxed. Things are good here. Bad for me though. Bad because of the dire state my psyche was left in before arriving. I had a million questions and a need for the one answer that could squash it all, “what now?”

That’s all. What happens now. We’re friends right? Or do I just not understand the concept. Why do I feel like I’m missing something? Always. I don’t know if I can ever get past this. I don’t know if this is just a bad habit or something worse, just what I’ve always been. But that’s a matter for a time that isn’t now. Right now it’s all about one thing. The days.

The second day, things continued. This play was too much. Too good to be real. It’s like all of the rumors and talk were just lies. Were these the same people? The same big bads who were sitting around on their thumbs doing nothing while we, up in the north, busted our butts? I was missing out on a lot. I broke my own rule. I lost my objectivity. But then again, I’ve been losing that for a while now. Is this old age?

The second day came and went. It was better. But I still can’t shake it and I think I know why now. I’m too afraid to take the true next step. This can be it if I let it. This can be the moment I move. The moment I transcend the current way as I had the old. But two things are as evident as they’ve ever been.

I am a liar and I’ve missed so many opportunities because I lack the balls to change. I really am just the worst.