Entries in IvR (6)

Wednesday
Feb012012

What's Up Wednesday Number One

Well now this is long overdue but here comes the next installment of my quest to subscribe to some sort of order/structure for this thing I call an outlet for chaos. What's Up Wednesday is essentially just going to be a check in to express where I'm currently at. That being said, this stuff may very well be quite esoteric. So, anyway, after taking so much time and slacking so hard, here goes:

"What's Up" Number One

Currently I'm not exactly sure what I am doing any more. There are so many projects I'm leaving to gather dust that it's definitely of concern for me. "FunDtail", "the Saint Sage Path", "FPLYCYD", the weekly schedule here, as well as just my backlog of topics I had been meaning to cover in the first place. And all of that's just on the create side of the table, the improve side is just as uncomforting. It sounds like the world I'm dancing around is overwhelming but in truth I don't know if I even feel any thing close to that right now.

What am I feeling? That has been on my mind for a bit of a while now. It's quite perculiar to say the least since I really have no idea how to even approach that topic. It's not quite numb but not quite depression either. I know it's not happiness because I still feel like a failure. A failure not content to end out in such a manner but a failure nonetheless. Perhaps overwhelmed is the absolute truth. Maybe that's exactly why I don't know what I'm feeling or even what TO feel.I'm really taking a lot here both mentally and even physically. What if I've just crossed my limit?

If this is my limit I'd think this truly was depressing. My legs are in quite a bit of pain. Open sores that seem to have spread across at least 60% of epidermis. Itching, stinging, just pain and being winter I get to enjoy the not so gentle chaffing of pant and flesh. Creams fail me since it's not fully scabbed over and the dry nature of this area just continue to crack damage what few surface areas unaffected. This sure sucks.Though that's it.

What else do I feel? What am I SUPPOSED to feel?

Thursday
Dec082011

Watch Me As I Unhinge

These are truly times of trying for those of us in the know. Those of us who see the forks and the arduous paths created by such bifurcation. This, I'm afraid, will bleed into the 'Rise Initiative' but, please bare with me. I inquire now as to the nature of good intentions. Further then I weigh the benefit of evil as a deterrent. What is surmises to is whether there is any true worth to embracing darkness, read being the 'bad guy.'

I did bad today. I cracked a window to darkness I've spent so many years trying to bury. I gave in to it and let hell rise. For whatever reasons, for whatever good came about, I will hate myself now and forever. My last vestige of humanity, may have been severed. Today, everyone became painfully aware of how horrible I already knew I was. Worst still is that it had to be in front of her. To her. To one so naive, so gullible, so inexperienced but eager to grasp the lessons us jaded now take for granted.

My vision, to call to arms the archetype around us all but, it seems, all I've done is grant audience a performance of the blackest of souls.

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Hearing:  Most Beautiful Plague by Say Anything

Friday
Nov112011

EXACTLY

It's been such a long time since my last post that I'm actually a bit ashamed. None of that is terribly important for now however. Anyway, there are quite a number of ideas floating around my head, yet none of them will be touched on just yet. It's quite odd since for the longest time it appeared as though I had lost all sense of inspiration at all. But, again, neither here/there.

I took a stroll down memory lane less than an hour ago. In this instance I'm referring to a specific feature of Facebook. Let me preface this by stating that I have a grand total of 19 friends (current as of 11 NOV 2011). That being said, at my prime I've had over a hundred. And, I know that in six months I'll have less than half that first number cinching shut  any potential to reignite the path toward that second number even further.

Now, I'm not the smartest, fastest, strongest, most attractive being on this planet but I still find myself concerned with trivials such as whether such a state of outcast is truly normal past adolescence. Quite frankly I don't plan on making this into another depressive rant about how much I get sh*t on or how even in periods of indifference I find my insides eventually stumble back to tendencies of suicidal envisioning; no, I think we're long past that point were you a loyal reader and clearly at a point where that's not the drive that pushed you here as a new visitor.

To be fair, this is a "pick up." That is to say that I'm picking up this post after a day or more specially two. Maybe I'll add an identifier for the more observant of you readers. Something to designate where the new met old or just simply how bad I've gotten with this site. Speaking of which, I really need to do something with this layout. Perhaps I'll look into Dreamweaver. It hasn't really let me down in the past and it's far simpler than trying to master HTML/coding in a short span. Anyway, focus g'damnit!

Psycholosphy, Women Disrespect, Fake/Anorexic Ethnic, Spammm! Those are some of the old topics that have rattled around in my head for months without proper time to be expressed. I'll get to them. Then there's also homosexuality which is my hot button topic. I started with Transgender and the viewpoints expressed in homosexuality; f*ck that! The thoughts I will express on GAY aren't going to be any less radical. I had to change that because I don't dare challenge homosexuality. It is the topic of gay that really deserves analysis. Again, not something that will be explored here though.

There are symbols and patterns forming in this world. Alot has happened and continues to happen. I believe I've covered a good amount of things. To reiterate though, I plan to hit some oldies and newbies (topics), redesign this site in a perhaps more aesthetically pleasing manner, alienate some, possibly draw in others, and continue the legacy of the empty. Well guess that's all for now.

Oh, and for the love of all that's good and holy! I can finally grasp why people do vlogs. SO much easier to just say what you gotta say then try to write it out. It's just more convenient and quite frankly, less time consuming. Though I guess it's the price I pay for anonymity. Take care, guardians.

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Listening to: Blue Sky Noise by Circa Survive 

Friday
Jul222011

Fool Me

For 15 years or so I've been suffering from depression. It wouldn't be until the last five to seven years that I'd truly experience the abyss. I've been in a constant state of pain, ever suffering, hoping that one day it'd all be worth it. The way my mind works; constantly, aggressively attempting to impose order on everything, in all aspects, to increase functionality, to improve, all to progress forward. It is now that I find myself at a crossroad because of such a trait. Inescapable, I find that the last decision of my life must be made. There is no moving on until a choice is made. A choice that shakes me to the core.

As a child I idealized heroics and drew nothing but favor toward the black and white fantasy. Right and wrong. Just or immoral. Light and dark. Order and chaos. These were the concerns of my youth. It would shape my formation of an honor code which would later escalate to a council of individuals with similar moralistic integrity and finally an alter-ego or perhaps better yet a persona to take refuge in as what was once me became prey to the surrounding darkness and sorrow.

Blessed with the "sight" and an intellectual by nature, machinations and manipulations became common place. An intangible moral barrier was all that could contain such a vastly unique perception. But then he died. And with him, the proficiency to wield such an ability. In his place a hole was left with mechanism after mechanism springing forward to patch it. Me, the other, a being of such fallout. Bordering on sociopath, obsessed and jealous, I clung to his ideals but constantly fell short. Regrets and failures like blinders overshadowed all possible accomplishments.

'What is the point in continuing on?' was the question I fought hard never to ask. The answer, I fought so hard to never unveil. You see there were two paths, to embrace psychosis or to throw it all away. The driving force this whole time was the ideal set forth by a youth. The belief that only one so morally sound and just could defend the world from the greatest of evils. To succeed in some grand end-all battle that would decide the fate of existence. A delusion. A meaning so much greater than one's self it rejuvenates, motivates, escalates, and conjuring all adversities as necessity. Still, a delusion. But, what of the alternative? To have nothing? No reason to continue? To scramble rabidly in search of anything worth holding onto in the hopes that not only such could be found but that it dare be so in enough haste to subdue the already pressing desires for eternal rest? The paths were laid bare before me.

I'm in pain. I'm hurting and see no light of hope or chance. A choice had to be made. I will drink in the sorrow, be damned, and suffer absolute for the ideal. The delusion. I choose this hellish existence all for the slim possibility that fated end prophecised in youth be not error. No more luxuries. I bite down, grit my teeth, and bare it all. Sacrifice, loss, pain, sorrow, isolation, darkness.

The path is arduous and nothing is assured. Though it is not a man that can stand atop at the end and hope to survive. One need be more. The first leg of this new journey is to surpass. To forsake humanity, to strive for something else. Greater. Worse. Saint or perhaps Daemon. There may very well be no peace as reward but as reality continues to warp around me or as my mind eats away at itself, only such an endeavor could contain what's necessary to make living on even feasible.

...

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Hearing:  I Felt Free by Circa Survive

Friday
Nov132009

Old Farts

Hate. Hate is a strong word. That statement however is based on perspective. Some people have professed the insignificance of words as they can only be given power by one's willingness to let them affect their person. But with that rationale, isn't the only way to alleviate such an issue be by calling for mankind to reach the next plateau of consciousness? To reach an emotional level of development that would allow all to shake the connotations, associations, and simply sheer baggage of grammar. The fabled ideal world where logic reigns supreme regardless of the sacrifices of individuality. For some 'strange' reason I don't see that happening any time soon.

The focus is North America, specifically The U.S. of A. Back as a teen, the desire to strike out and be unique was laughable. Laughable because everyone essentially wanted to be uniquely one thing of a set number of things. The formation of cliques developed from that. Those that wanted to be the smartest, the best at sports, the best artist, and even those who wanted to be uniquely, 'unique.' The push for acceptance while rebuking anyone who couldn't 'deal' was enormous. But 'then' and 'now' are eons apart. After the events of 9/11 a new age of censorship began in the U.S.. Whether it was by the government or just self-imposed out of fear, things had started changing. Hate began to take on a new form. One, more deceptive than ever before. Not for terrorism, or some faceless evil, but for free thought.

A war has been brewing against free thought for a long time. It's nothing new. When two people with differing beliefs meet, they tend to collide at some point or other. The collision is actually the good thing. Grabbing ankle only leads to deep seated anger towards the object of one's discontent. The collision can birth something new, something better, a sense of true acceptance as opposed to the tolerance that's being pushed forward. So where does this new breed of hate come in? The fight for speech. Rights are one thing. But the attacks on people's feelings is something else entirely.

People being held accountable for their remarks isn't anything new. Condemning people in hopes for that ideal utopian global community which accommodates every individual's ideals, beliefs, cultures, and even opinions is ridiculous. For one, short of a purely logical emotionally stagnated world, it's not feasibly possible. And, for two, that world already existed. It was called the internet. HOWEVER, bringing real world jurisdictions and 'law' into it have perverted it into a shell of the potential it once was. One of the few refugees for one to really express themselves has been slowly decaying into a corporate gloryhole. So where can one be themselves without sinking into the luxurious existence of a recluse?

I know a black man. I specifically state him as a 'black' man because he does not identify with the term 'African-American.' He holds no animosity towards it but from his perspective he doesn't understand how it applies to him. He is a natural born citizen of the U.S.A. birthed from parents also born and raised in the U.S.. Now after years of association with that man I've come to comprehend quite a bit about the nature of individuality. But were I to voice such understandings in an open forum I would find myself open to attack on the basis of being politically incorrect. Just as this post is open to the same attacks the level of security granted by anonymity makes continuing possible. Needless to say, life has changed.

Life is generally defined as being alive, living, not dead. But what kind of existence can one have when they pass through mute, weary of the newest growing obsession of being 'politically correct' in a world where people of differing ethnicities will show pride or aggression toward a word? Where people of differing sexualities can emote rage or even use casually, terms that generally refer negatively to those of their sexual preference? The uprising of people who share a common desire to be treated fairly is a righteous happening but, where is the line?

When the 'enlightened' jump on the bandwagon and start verbally assaulting anyone with a conflicting viewpoint, how can such a just cause not turn to the very thing it was started for? Therein lies a future. Obsessions with accommodation instead of acceptance. Tolerance instead of true resolution. Perhaps my generation has finally just gotten to the point where we start becoming our parents/grandparents, using terminology commonplace to an era that we're the only ones still living in.

Sh*t, never saw it coming.

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Listening to:  Why Can't We Be Friends