Dated: December 25th, 2013
Medium: MSWord; Blank Page
There are three words stuck in the pit of my throat. I want them gone, expunged from existence. Tiresome thoughts have found refuge in me. I can’t fathom escape from this night. I just want the peace of sleep. If I could just close my eyes and not be crushed by darkness, my existence would be blessed. If there is any favor I’d ask, it’d be respite from this, horrid place that has become me. It’s so cold here in the obsession. This is what that wrought. This sorrow is all by invite. I’m all used up. It’s so weird being here, so close yet so far away. I’m full on empty. I don’t know what drives this anymore. There’s nothing behind these eyes. There is little left to fathom. There is nothing left of worth in whatever I’ve fallen into. These steps before me are vast and endless. If there’s anything driving these legs forward, let it be merciful as I venture deeper into the abyss.
Dated: December 25th, 2012
Medium: MSWord; Blank Page
I watch the world before me and shiver. Its changed so much in such a short time. I don’t know if I belong. I don’t know if I ever did. And just like that, as if a dream has ended, I awake and it’s dark and cold. I’m alone and the world has lost color. Perhaps there never was any. Maybe this is true sight. I was blinded by what you were. I couldn’t have ever expected what was to come. It looks like my hear dawns yet another scar. I wasn’t sure there was even room to spare. I think I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Everything feels wrong. There are no good words left in me. For so long it seems like I was so far away. Where do I go from here when nothing feels familiar?
Dated: January 4th, 2013
Medium: MSWord/Tumblr, Blank Page
You were something better, 6
And I am just the worst. 6
I gave everything I had, 7
But now I'm in this hearse. 6
I "wasn't good enough" 6
Is all anyone'll say. 7
And, I'll just keep quiet, 6
So that's how that will stay. 6
I wanted it so bad, 6
Just to be your man. 5
I dreamt of winter walks, 6
The two of us holding hands. 7
But it wasn't in the cards, 7
An ideal that couldn't be. 8
Somewhere so wonderful, 6
Is just no place for me. 6
I shouldn't be surprised. 6
I've always known my place. 6
The cold, hard truth, 4
I knew I'd have to face. 6
But if only for a moment, 8
I think, maybe it hope? 6
And now it's simply gone, 6
Leaving little for me to cope. 8
But it'll be okay. 6
This isn't first or last. 6
I can only get stronger, 7
Better armor, experiences cast. 10
Cause I've grown to know the dark, 7
Held sorrow with these hands. 6
It's the only path for me, 7
Forever Empty Lamb. 6
Dated: January 14th, 2013
Medium: MSWord, Blank Page
When I step outside I occasionally catch the scent on the breeze. I reek of her. No surprise. She’s very touchy-feely. I don’t hate the attention, just the circumstances. Any normal man is how I’d like to start this next bit but just what is normal really? I’m certainly not. That much is for certain. But this isn’t about me. Not so much in the most direct of senses. This is about her. This is about him. This is about the inbetween and all that’s left trapped within it.
The hugs, the hand-holding, the dancing, the talk; I hate it all. She’s beautiful. She’s too good. She’s unique. She’s special. She’s married. And that’s where it all hits the bricks. Where was all this when she was still available. Where was all this when it could’ve actual made a difference. I won’t end with question marks because I already know the answers. I know what this is, or at least have convinced myself of nothing less.
I guess in the grand scheme it’s just time to come out and say what I’m sure you all already know. I can’t stick to a schedule to save my life. All these grand ideals and at the end of the day it all just falls to the wayside like so much more. While putting this out here may very well be synonymous with an inkling of light left in this dark, perhaps it is just the final flicker. I’ve been wanting to shake off the cobwebs for a bit now but then it seems like there’s plenty of walls in the way. Every writer I admire keeps saying the same thing. “Just write” or “Keep writing” and here I go spewing into the ether. It’s not like I don’t have words. Even if they’re garbage, I still have words. It’s just that, well, maybe I’m not as INTP as I thought. The schedule is stressing me out and I already burned my surplus long ago. I’m so far behind the curve and sure, why now? Let’s take on a huge project on top of all this.
I’ve gotten old. Gray’s showing. Eyes can’t quite focus. Everything tastes like dirt and can’t smell for crap. Haven’t felt anything since I realized I was a sociopath so hearing’s all I have at this point. But even with that I just don’t even know.
New—read as big—project takes shape in April. That is to say it’ll begin in April and while I still have some research to do on the legality of posting it, contractual obligations can suck a fat one, I guess time will tell if it’ll ever see the light of day. Either way I plan to go in on this a little more. I’d hate to force it but I can’t quite let it die just yet either. Need to dust off the mech-pen and draft up some work for an overhaul. Not to mention I also should finally connect some of these branches to the big tree. The fruit has soured with the old twitter but the roots still seem okay. Insta and Youtube are things and while infrequent and boring Twitch is a thing I do every now and then. Facebook can suck a big toe. Perhaps I’ll make a post about why down the line but for now, just know, it’s a non-starter. Oh and something along the line of a Snapchat embed should be interesting.
Well, so this is where I’m at. More or less. Still insane. Alone and insane. Just the way it should be. Take care.
The Biggest Losers of Donald Trump's Inauguration are Rappers
Let me start off by saying that this is going to be a bit of a long one so bear with me. The payoff to this joke probably won't be worth it but then again I'm not a comedian. It's really hard, especially when life more times than not, is the joke. Nihilism, hello darkness my old friend. I like that, that'll likely be the next title of my next mainstay. Here's hoping I remember.
Donald Trump. An imperative sentence. It speaks volumes. Especially if you're American. At least for now. Here, in this current era. Love or hate the individual, he's a man that's quickly transcending even the confines of being a symbol. At some point in time the man stopped being a man and started to be something, more? Or less depending on who you ask. There are people calling him the "worst of America" or a "Nazi" or "evil" and it baffles me how so much vitriol can spray from the same people who are trying to promote understanding and empathy. The hypocrisy is suffocating. Hyperbole doesn't hold enough weight to describe what's slung into the ether that is the internet. It's gotten to the point where I can almost guarantee that if this made it to enough eyes, an immediate condemnation of my person would take place. An assumption that I was an apologist or even more ludicrous, a supporter of the current President of the United States of America. It's laughable but perhaps more sad that this is what it took to bring to light the divide that has existed in this country since perhaps its very beginning. Not terrorist attacks, not systematic oppression, but the election of what amounts to an open sore. An American who's more honest in his lies than most of his detractors would ever admit of themselves but that's not exactly the point of this. The point of this is to push a joke whose payoff burdened by leagues of emotionally charged political rhetoric. That sounds nice but means little. Just go with it.
Reading is a forgotten art it seems. I don't hate Donald Trump because I've taken the time to try to understand the man. Honestly, it's likely more so since so much of my feed has dedicated itself to hatred to the level of publicly calling for the man to kill himself, that I've even found some sympathy for the "devil." I suffer from depression. I've mentioned it numerous times. You know what I don't quite talk about all that often though? The fact that people can affect my outlook on the world when then put me down. When they tell me how little I'm worth. When they utter things like "kill yourself." Words filled with such hatred and disgust are my generation’s lashes on my back. As a slave to a system that grants privilege to the wealthy and hardship to those that can do little but struggle to stay alive, I haven't forgotten all I've had to do to get to where I am today. I can't forget all I've been through to wake up every morning. It hurts. It hurts and scars and makes carry all this emotional baggage that much more difficult. But he's not a person right? He's a symbol of hatred so why should he be granted understanding, compassion? He's ignorant and instead of trying to help him, let’s vilify and destroy? How does that make sense? How can so many people not see how they are perpetrating the same cycle that creates people like him in the first place? He's flawed and emotional but he's human so it's allowed. He has made mistakes in the past but continues to move forward, trying to do what we all are trying to do. He's trying to live. He saw something wrong with the way things were and charged forward because he believed he could do something about it. He secured the vote of like-minded individuals and is doing what he believes is necessary for the world he perceives. Just as every President before him has in their own way. Except it's as though the roles have reversed. As if we are in some bizarre mirror world where the people who were supposed to be above the pettiness of oppressors and bullies have now become just that. How can I be expected to have pride in a group that decries those with differing opinions as racists/misogynists/homophobes and condone assaulting others on the street because they represent something that doesn't fit into the ideal world this wish for? How are they any better than the bullies I've faced in my life from adolescence to adulthood? How are they better than the people that make fun of me when all I try to do is my best with what I've been given? How are they any better than ANYONE who think it's better to CONDEMN someone before ever trying to HELP them? Sorry. I just don't see how anyone could honestly take pride in that.
If anyone has gotten to this point, I hope it's appreciated how the first letter of each of the previous paragraphs frame this final one. So, on to the joke. The thing is that this is America I'm talking about. Adversity, division, hardship, it all just serves to temper the country, strengthen resolves. Whatever comes from this will lead to a stronger, greater country than was started with so long as it in the end can find a way to come together and truly embrace itself for what it is, the sum of ALL of it's parts. Any with that, it's kind of niche to any of the fans of "Young Jeezy" but the reason why rappers are the real losers of Donald Trump's election as President of the United States of America is because, simply put, nothing rhymes with orange.
This isn't going to be a terribly new concept. In fact, I can't even say that I haven't delved into it in other forums already. But it really is just that important enough to warrant even greater coverage. It involves the keys to the next age, if society dares at least. That door; Augmented Reality.
Context first right? Just like when writing stories. Can't just jump straight into things since it's a "process." I get it. Really I do. But then just like when I attempt the former, can't stand exposition. So boring. But then again this isn't about that. This is 2.0 so let's roll. The story is that as far as technology seems to be progressing, we seem to be reaching a peak. Elites are taking shape but they seem to be casting more shadows than anything else--more on that in the next "Mainstay." The point is that the proficiency gap seems to be growing greater and greater. To counter perhaps in the information age the bleeding edge just appears more tangible due to the freedom of information. It's possible for sure but it seems more logical to be else. That something else being the proficiency gap.
So what do I mean by this gap? Simple, the tools are there but the questions aren't. Our innovators may very well be hibernating because aside from the sparse few, the common everyday folk appear so much more concerned with results than the inner guts. The substance. The "how" if you will. That's the problem. Without the drive to comprehend, what stokes the fires of innovation? But what do you mean? CES just passed. There are tons of new things out in the wild now. Spearhead. Concept work but the foundation is so far away. Too far away for widespread integration. The process is the old process which is stymieing our ability to reach the next age. But the keys are before us. AR. Augmented Reality holds the answers and that's what will birth the next era. Well, that or war but we'll stay optimistic for now.
So how does AR do its miracle thing? Simple. It cuts out the middle man. The time to proficiency would be a fraction of what it currently stands at so that progress could be made at greater intervals and speeds. Of course it calls for relying on true black boxes but perhaps that's where we were always meant to be. Given the freedom to truly ascend to our fullest potential.
Follow-up for sure.
Error to Word Ratio: 010:415
Listening: Music from Youtube Channel SwagyTracks
Dated: October 12th, 2013
Medium: Cellphone Notepad
Find me dying and alone. Find me the peace that evades. Remove everything human and kill whatever remains. Clothe that which has become void. There's nothing left for us to be reminded of. So let the husk take control. Left to its own device. Fill it with the deep, dark, black. Watch no longer, just vanquish from existence.
Monday was rubbish. Let me just be honest in saying so. The first legitimate time back in the saddle and I flubbed it pretty hard. The post was all over the place and lacked the initial message I attempted to convey. It wasn't up to standard and for that I apologize. I'm sorry. Truly.
You see I had a docket of sorts. It's years old and includes scratch notes about topics that stirred enough ire within me to warrant a "discussion." Did I mention the docket had accumulated a bit of dust? I prefaced the identifier of notes with the modifier "scratch" specifically because.... Never mind, it's easier to just admit I've gotten old. Easier to accept I'm not at my finest or sharpest anymore. Wow, you won't believe how much it sucks to put that into the ether but truth has always objectively been more important to me than most anything else. At least as I reside in this current head space anyway.
Full disclosure, the list:
Knowing when to close eyes (kissing)
Break me down, carry over, no building back up
School hold up, artpush (?)
Fake Women/SKINNY Women Media
People Disrespect/Knowledge is still power
Some of the topics I remember enough to dabble in and others not so much at all. It's a bit depressing but to be fair, most everything is when you're depressed. Oh, I'm depressed. I've mentioned it before but it has been a few years. Welcome to my nightmare. No, you're not going to like it. Please don't sue me. Moving on, I attempted to tackle one of those topics about on Monday and on top of being late I royally screwed up the premise. At this point I'm just repeating myself I know but just follow me here. I realized while typing it up that it'd be a disservice to force it. To pretend as though I could muster the same passions I once held now that the experience I've gained over the past few years has brought a strikingly abundant amount of nuance to, well, most every aspect of my understanding. I'm far from enlightened but I'm not exactly the same as I once was. To say not exactly because what do you know, still depressed but that's not as important as the fact that I need to move forward to pursue any realness, any sort of authenticity. So while I regret those topics are left to fall to the wayside I suppose something arguably better* may take form.
Thanks for humoring me dear ether.
Word:Typo Count: 418:004
Listening: Mass:Light (Bonus Album) by Murray Lightburn
* Adding arguably serves the purpose of an asterisk sure but then I wouldn't have been able to then add this utterly unnecessary note at the end.^
^ I hate myself.
Turns out in the short amount of time I've spent in this world has left me with the belief that there are consistencies. Universal Standards even. Not to be confused with common sense because I disproved the existence of that in grade school. At this point I'm not sure if I've delved into that here but if I waited till I had the time to go through every post I've made before putting out new content it'd probably end up being another few years before I got around to anything. But that's a tangent waiting to happen and Mainstays aren't exactly for that purpose. So, "Say, What."
As already mentioned, universal standards. Trends even. It's actually because common sense is a "myth" or at least to the extent it's commonly used, that the trend of misunderstandings seems to proliferate. I'm referring to them as "misunderstandings" but what I really mean to say is the act of being treated poorly. I should preface this by stating this all is observation based on my own perspective of events as they've transpired. My upbringing and the environment in which I did reside surely played a large part in the findings but even having traveled the world I've yet to find enough to counter the assessment. So, wrong or no, here goes.
People are treated pretty poorly. Usually for whatever reason, it continues to go on because an individual resigns themselves to the experience. I speaking of adults. Let me be clear about that. At adolescence, while it still largely happens, there is that wild irrationality that flourishes at that time in a person's life that makes it all the more difficult to pin down. But that's a tangent to something else entirely. The point is that the world is repressed. The existence we see in the light is one of reserve. Adults are beaten down into believing they must be timid. More than social class structures, it's a mentality promoted by society for the middle tier. The average reaction to uncomfortable situations is to submit. It takes a great push to bring forth a response of any sort of worth because of the ease of of avoidance.
Conflict is not fun. Conflict is stressful. Conflict requires effort. Of course there's the other side of the coin. The seemingly professional confrontation seekers. The people so outspoken as to cause strife by producing the same atmosphere as they rally so strongly against being exposed to. The vocal minority that screams and hollers about injustice but cause others to feel attacked and then leaving them to suffer. There's no way to escape the cycle anymore and the most convenient path leads solely to a life of misery.
Once might inquire in this current era if there is such a guarantee as the right to the pursuit of happiness for all. When you just want to stop being blamed or lumped into a group of unsavory but to say anything only prompts more of the same but at increased hostility. But then to say nothing means while it continues at least it's not worse. Sad. No-win scenario. But how does something like that find resolution? It doesn't. Not as we are now. (00:33:01)
There are a lot of things I've done in my life up to this point but kissing isn't something I can say I've had the most practice with. The thing about it that gets to me though is that when I first looked into it, as in took a moment to really think about what it was, I really became confused. The act or rather what it represents makes sense. I mean it made sense when I first learned about it during adolescence but it just well is so strange. There's no real guide, it's just something that happens and everyone just seems like they're expected to know what they're doing and it's just so strange to me.
Obviously there are plenty of examples of people publicly attempting to figure it out for the first time and it's usually laughter inducing (to some extent or another) but what it represents, just like so many other aspects of intimacy, largely seems to be presented on the basis of "figure it out as you go." Perhaps my upbringing was just that much the outlier but I just find it intriguing.
When I kissed someone for the first time I was merely emulating the kisses I'd seen in media. Young enough to not truly know about porn so lucky me I suppose that it didn't imprint on me a more aggressive pattern but looking back I wonder if it would've even mattered. You see, while the person I kissed was someone I was in a relationship with, there was no feedback. There was no talking about anything. I can't say I know if that person liked or even hated it. We kissed and that was it. There would be more kissing in the duration of our relationship but at the very end I left it knowing about as much as I went into it as far as intimacy goes. I picked up a few things but I wouldn't have a frame of reference for any of them for a long time after that experience. Whether it had to do with society or perhaps just me being a unique case but all my life, I've just been left with more questions than answers and no input to speak of. I grew up in a different time however so I shouldn't be surprised but it just baffles me how strange of a process it was for me to get to where I am right now. How I developed my style of physical intimacy.
How I learned, almost instinctively, how/when to close my eyes. To kiss. To feign emotions.
Dated: October 4th, 2013
Medium: Cellphone Notepad
So ends this life and my desire to live it. I've grown, despising of humanity, finally to find nothing of substance left within me.
There's not much going on honestly. I'm not where I was when this all started and I mean that in every way imaginable. Let's see what tomorrow has to offer.
This is going to be a bit informal this time so please bear with me. Instead of focusing on a particular idea we're going to be talking about the concept of "2.0" itself. I feel it's necessary to establish that there won't be a "3.0." Unlike the standing scheme of developments the "2.0" is just the designator. It just refers to what comes next. To any who follow this site, past or present, that may have not been necessary to dive into but well now, it was. It's important to make that completely clear so that the progression has the footing necessary to do just that. Progress onward. That said, let's get into it.
I'm old. By the time this has been read I will have gotten even older. By the time I finish this draft and prepare for publication I will be old. The construct that we call time makes it so. What's the significance in that though? Simple. It has taken me this long to realize that my youth was wasted. Innovation has eclipsed me. All the ideas, theories I threw around in my youth are either in development or being fielded. To put it into perspective, cellular phones didn't become standard till I was in high school. I remember my first interaction with computers being in my third to last year in elementary school. The two-tone screens. Color images and functionality beyond simple word processing didn't make their way to the student body till a few years later. It was an interesting time to be alive. Just the taste of that new tech alone really riled up within me a love that I still feel even now. Desire. Desire and inspiration that would cause me to look at the world and wonder how to make things more efficient. Had I the knowledge and tools, perhaps I would've achieved inventor status instead of just casual ponderer. Sucks my sketching ability was so shoddy as well but that's another thing entirely. It'll come back up as I start to publish my old black book files in the Throwback Thursdays since they're so outdated there's little else to do with the machinations. Not as though I was saving them for anything really anyway. But what does this now have to do with the main focus? Simple. It was the where we are. We're at the point where the world has surpassed my generation's idea of innovation. The tech is out there and a cursory glance on any search engine will reveal just that fact. So where to now?
It's a frightening place to be when new studies come out that seem almost indistinguishable from "magic." It's not an easy place to find one's self especially having spent a life feeling disappointed that the gap between what is and what's desired seemed to vast. As someone who prides themselves on the what's the come, a futurist of sorts, is it any surprise that this reality is so hard to face? For the first time in decades it's unclear what's coming next. What steps will be taken, how technology will continue to develop, how human intellect will evolve. It's scary. But then our face hurts so bad. Can't help but smile. Ear to ear. Finally, a challenge. And now us with the tools to perhaps finally do something about the ideas so they don't just sit in tomb collecting dust as in years passed. Welcome to the start of emptylamb 2.0.
Let us go unto this new horizon together and explore just what it means to be.
Everything in the 2.0 series could easily be attributed to the necessity of customization or rather personalization being an incremental step in the next era of innovation furthering the ascension of mankind. In this entry as with most of the others under this category, the goal is to stay relatively broad and the future need no stern hand but simple encouragement. Such is the philosophy and so it shall stay.
Custom builds are quite possibly the missing piece of what separates us all from that ideal future and the present that mirrors little of what those that came before us imagined. The obsession with a standardization isn't nearly as prevalent because the global unity has continued to escape the grasp of those leaders that run the face of existence from the shadows. Whether intentional or otherwise. Free-market societies, capitalism, all interesting concepts but the competition between corporations has never truly benefited anything other than the illusion on societal constraints. Proprietary as a term comes to mind. Such systems have only influenced "big business" to investigate and and pursue more creative avenues in which to gouge the populous at large. And under such a guise has effectively pushed forward substandard merchandise that hinders far more than it could ever hope to help for it serves to stagnate.
Though it's hardly all negatives. There are those gems out there that gaze on at the existence of such and with earnest ingenuity and the curiosity that comes with youth, look to produce when inquiry as to why things are the way they are surpass the fear of challenging the status quo. But it's such a small portion that ever dare to seemingly answer such a call. That's truly what 2.0 is about. We've challenged mediocrity but when questioning it it's clear that the new mediocrity is adaptation. Technology advances but the people don't. That's where the call for 2.0 finds it's truest footing.
Custom build is merely a fragment of it all. Custom build is the next logical step. Instead of standards or burgeoning product lines labeled with systems so inclusive that even their legacies are incompatible, there's customization in-tandem with personalization. Tech built to order. Specifically to the consumer. Yes, there is the cost of such a premium but it can be offset by subscription based services. It would be the birth of the third party. The standards are fine. The name brand is fine. But then there's the service built from the ground up for the sole purpose of fulfilling the desires of the purchaser. And then the sublet of such being the subscriptions that custom tailors suites to fit the product. Cross-platform issues are regulated as each product is made to the specifics of each unit. Examples, a cell phone and the applications it can run. Time can be mitigated as technological advancements continue.
There's so much to it and this is again, merely a fragment of the over-arching foundation that will take us into that next generation of human kind. And, it all starts with the individual. You.
I do so adore the touch of a fine pen to paper. The ink's subtle strokes, the way the void is filled. There is sound, weight, placed where once there was simply abyss. A glory that breaks down the walls absconding innovation. To be free of such a horrid state which subjection to stifled existences, merely following predetermined paths on rudimentary paths of predictable occurrences, is at hand. Desires at one's fingertips; there are no lies in the strikes. There is pain, love, hate, emotion in its purest, untarnished state. Beautiful, so undeniable yet indistinguishable from the chaotic filth that holds us all down. There is something more, a fragment of the very essence of life perhaps? I do so adore the supple caress of the empty as filled by life force made tangible by fluid on metal and wood.
It's been a while since I've updated. Almost a full year really. I was away on a trip. Not sure if I made it back. Not all of me that is. There's this weird feeling like I'm not, well, to be honest I'm not sure. Just like I forgot something important over there. In that place. I've never felt so exposed but there's little to do. Another big move is coming and I need to figure out what I even am anymore. Not for me. But for.... With everything going on, there has been one thing that's worth noting though. I found true happiness...