I Believe There's a God Above Me, I'm Just Trying to Save Everyone Else

First let me tackle the title. Kidding. What'd be the point in reading if you already know the premise. Then again I suppose I've come to find there are way more people of that inclination in this world than I ever thought there could be. Been a while "fam.""Kept you waiting, huh?"If I remember by the end of this I'll link the references to those. Here's hoping.

Meat and potatoes though because otherwise this is pointless... er uh, more pointless? Screw it. It's (It + Has) been quite a while since I've updated. The throwbacks are hardly updates in the truer sense of the word and most of those were scheduled anyway. What's going on? What's changed? Why the absence? I'm sure my audience of one person is just dying to know. metaphorically though because if literal, I then lose my brand. That's how that works right? No? Oh, so I suppose I should stop with this garbage and just get to the point.

This won't be like the standard Monday stuff, but I suppose the change had begun many months ago already. The point is that this is going to be coming from the seed of something more personal. What I mean to say is that if there aren't any overarching themes to something more metaphysical then I apologize but that's just how it'll be. Depending on the timeframe I may just be able to get one of those in before I disappear again but who knows. Maybe just more throwbacks till I can finally get on my feet again. So where to begin? How about with something deeply personal.

I am alone. And not like reddit meirl/2meirl4meirl "alone" but more actually alone. I haven't had a friend, or what passes for one, since 2015. My family is all but nonexistent and for some reason, tonight of all nights I started pondering the correlation between my self-imposed banishment and the ease in which I was able to find such isolation. On a whim I watched a REACT video and it reminded me of the last, or one of the last, time(s) I spoke with my older brother's wife. Oh, I have a brother. Not as important but I do have siblings. Maybe I'll get to a place where it's worth speaking about but for now all that's necessary is to know that this particular sibling is married and quite a few years ago I had a falling out with said spouse. Looking back on it, tonight, I realized how oblivious I must've been to believe such an outcome wouldn't affect my relationship with him. My brother that is. It was his wife for goodness sake. But then I was a bit more self-involved--read as sociopath--at the time but far less inclined to keep up appearances for the sake of civility. Honestly I believe I was as honest then as I could say I would be for the decade that followed. Email correspondence, go figure. I've always found my truth in writing. Probably because it was far too easy to lie in such a medium. But I'm getting into a tangent. The point is that, well, what do you think happened? Eventually my brother broke off contact with me. Granted it happened a great deal later in time than I would've thought but of course it did happen.

Part of me wonders how he rationalizes it. Probably the same part of me that wonders how anyone who has stopped speaking with me rationalizes it. I mean I know how I get by with the knowledge but that's because I'm a sociopath. They are people though. Human beings with human emotions and feelings and empathy and whatnot. Logically, they likely blame me and of course I can accept that but call me Schrodinger because that, among a few other anomalies in my life, is my cat. I'm not linking that because I won't insult your ability to google or just know the reference off the dome. So tie it in. What does any of this have to do with a misquoted song lyric? I guess nothing more than it was just what was playing as I started this post. The alteration having a bit more meaning to it but all in all not really anything that can't be ascertained from the steady decline apparent in the throwbacks.

I was away for a while and in the time away I did some rereading and site maintenance. It's hard to write by the constraints I've implemented on myself. This just feels like work and well, with work feeling like hell, yeah. I'm really floundering. Don't get me wrong here. This isn't a cry for help, just needed to get some stuff off my chest because there are idea ideas floating around that could use the extra breathing room. The light has finally reached the dark and people are starting to see what lurks in the shadows. Surprise, surprise, it's quite unsettling. That'll probably make more sense later. If I ever get around to updating more frequently at least. Anyway, I guess I'm back? Time will tell.



Source:  iPhone Notes

Would, could I vanish from this existenc without so much as a trace. To disappear from even the thoughts of those this pitiful existence has come to touch... were it possible, to venture past this place I reside for no less than everything for a peace of hell or oblivion in h Avenue so long as it meant escape from this endless limbo.



Source:  iPhone Notes

Find existence or die. Don't hope. Don't wish. Act. Move.



Source:  iPhone Notes

That which finds us timeless finds us also alone. Such deary paths in dreary days our soles rise and fall along when we've succumb to monotony. The endless unfathomable, remarkable in itself. The fear that drives passed reason to venture into that darkness of uncertainty, it is a light that can only be found once whole. The sparks of rejuvenation in thought and expression. The quest will ever be beyond reach to any without the will to fight but no one can fight a fate strung so tightly, encompassing the very ideal of true freedom. To find warmth in bonds of companionship, ever colder the outside becomes. All is well in the same but who could desire such mundane?



Source:  iPhone Notes

Find hope in the least. We are the last of the first set of expendable. Find ourselves lost in the hope. Find me lost in the deep wood. In the unfamiliar. In the end.



Source:  iPhone Notes

Go To Sleep Dear Friend



Source:  iPhone Notes

We find ourselves in sorry situations



Source:  iPhone Notes

We will fight or we will die. He is lost to me now but I continue on in his name. We will fight because he can do nothing else. I will fight as I fade to nothing in the shadow of his legacy.



Medium:  iPhone Notes

I find myself adrift in this tepid wasteland. Fear guides my actions in an art so fine, so subtle. I can't finish this as I couldn't those that preceded it. Whatever I currently am is a mere shadow of something so much less than glorious. But to be back there would be the greatest of achievements. A peace after a fight that'd never end.


The Real Cause of the World's Collapse

It's a pretty bold statement I know but just hear me out for a bit before complete dismissal. Call it hyperbole if you like but it has never been more apparent to me than right at this moment in history. All this talk of external circumstances causing the destruction of mankind when in fact the greatest threat is ourselves. And no I don't mean in the sense of countries going to war with one another due to poorly worded tweets. The divide is so apparent it's suffocating. All these groups are gathering but seem to be missing the point. Don't get me wrong, it is very much an "us" versus "them" scenario. But it's not POC, LGBT+, national origin, gender spectrum, vegan, atheist, etc. versus "adversary x" more than the concept divide. We're all fighting the same war but the outspoken cries of the most self-centered have and continue to drown out and obscure not only what's at stake but what really deserves our energy and consideration.

The age gap at some point became so common that people stopped considering it the threat that it truly is. Technology armed it and now decisions are being made that will not only affect but END generations. Unfortunately after the baby boomer and millennial came the victim generation. Everyone's special and unique and different and diverse and a victim but isolation and that fine sprinkle of impatience have created those that purposefully blind and deafen themselves to anything beyond their 25m targets. Everyone is so scared of their personal bubble being popped that they don't realize it has long since stopped being empathy they're feeling. The longing for unity which should've brought us all together has turned on us. Now with the very technology that made the universe smaller new segregations have developed. New factions. New platforms to stand upon and new weapons for which to wield.

Humans have come to the point of development where archaic institutions can no longer represent the the masses. The old ways aren't reasonable anymore but the ones making their living off that power would never relinquish such. That'd be ludicrous. It's the very foundation of ideals that's the problem. The system's broken and too many don't get that. Elders were respected because they were considered the wisest. They had power because they had more experience than those their junior but in an age of information when everyone has access to the full range of the world's knowledge we can't possibly be held to standards so outdated. But then we are. We're held, shackled into beliefs and understandings that no longer apply. We're held by laws and restricted by ways of old and placated by battles for trinkets. Women's rights? Trans rights? Representation for POC? All of that is a pittance to what's really at stake. The next stage of human development. The evolution of thought. The future lies in the hands of the generation to end generations. The transcendent generation.

At this point I'm sure it sounds plain crazy but we've yet to turn the corner. I'll ground this a bit first, so bear with me. The concepts I'm discussing here have more to do with the developed world of course. But "more" isn't to be used synonymously with "only." The wars for human rights are still happening just as they were centuries ago when the first continents fought each other for freedoms for their people. Differences in culture, religion, physical appearance, and the list goes on, still reside as reason for conflict. It's a sad truth but one that pales into comparison at the consent the masses give for stunting the future. Adversity breeds character. Turmoil breeds strength. But the future doesn't require the same as it had as such merely enforces the stagnation. The barrier is right before us. The key to go further is the birth of the next generation. The one which breaks through the limitation of assimilating knowledge and the time required for it to become experience. An aberrant is what is necessary. Everything else is mere distraction. No one will be able to move forward until the individual surpasses the system. All the tools necessary are already available. All that awaits, to take the first step.

This World needs to collapse. All these manmade constructs serve no other purpose than to impose a reality of limitation which will only continue to stunt and poison any chance for evolution. For freedom. The adepts will shepherd the new world. We just need to stop getting in the way.


Throwback:  27NOV14

Dated: November 27th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App


Find me death oh sweet savior. Find me and delivery from this misery that consumes. Where can I find peace if not within your dear embrace. Find me where I stand, where I've fallen. Take me to that place that no part of life can ever truly know. Show me a love I'll never know whilst I still take I breath.


Throwback:  26NOV14

Dated: November 26th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App


Hope, wherever am I to find you?


Throwback:  A-Continued

Dated: December 25th, 2013

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page


There are three words stuck in the pit of my throat. I want them gone, expunged from existence. Tiresome thoughts have found refuge in me. I can’t fathom escape from this night. I just want the peace of sleep. If I could just close my eyes and not be crushed by darkness, my existence would be blessed. If there is any favor I’d ask, it’d be respite from this, horrid place that has become me. It’s so cold here in the obsession. This is what that wrought. This sorrow is all by invite. I’m all used up. It’s so weird being here, so close yet so far away. I’m full on empty. I don’t know what drives this anymore. There’s nothing behind these eyes. There is little left to fathom. There is nothing left of worth in whatever I’ve fallen into. These steps before me are vast and endless. If there’s anything driving these legs forward, let it be merciful as I venture deeper into the abyss.


Throwback:  A

Dated: December 25th, 2012

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page


I watch the world before me and shiver. Its changed so much in such a short time. I don’t know if I belong. I don’t know if I ever did. And just like that, as if a dream has ended, I awake and it’s dark and cold. I’m alone and the world has lost color. Perhaps there never was any. Maybe this is true sight. I was blinded by what you were. I couldn’t have ever expected what was to come. It looks like my hear dawns yet another scar. I wasn’t sure there was even room to spare. I think I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Everything feels wrong. There are no good words left in me. For so long it seems like I was so far away. Where do I go from here when nothing feels familiar?



Throwback: America Castenada

Dated: January 4th, 2013

Medium: MSWord/Tumblr, Blank Page


You were something better, 6

And I am just the worst. 6

I gave everything I had, 7

But now I'm in this hearse. 6

I "wasn't good enough" 6

Is all anyone'll say. 7

And, I'll just keep quiet, 6

 So that's how that will stay. 6

 I wanted it so bad, 6

Just to be your man. 5

I dreamt of winter walks, 6

The two of us holding hands. 7

But it wasn't in the cards, 7

An ideal that couldn't be. 8

Somewhere so wonderful, 6

Is just no place for me. 6

I shouldn't be surprised. 6

I've always known my place. 6

The cold, hard truth, 4

I knew I'd have to face. 6

But if only for a moment, 8

I think, maybe it hope? 6

And now it's simply gone, 6

Leaving little for me to cope. 8

But it'll be okay. 6

This isn't first or last. 6

I can only get stronger, 7

Better armor, experiences cast. 10

Cause I've grown to know the dark, 7

Held sorrow with these hands. 6

It's the only path for me, 7

Forever Empty Lamb. 6


Throwback: His Life, As I Live It

Dated: January 14th, 2013

Medium: MSWord, Blank Page


When I step outside I occasionally catch the scent on the breeze. I reek of her. No surprise. She’s very touchy-feely. I don’t hate the attention, just the circumstances. Any normal man is how I’d like to start this next bit but just what is normal really? I’m certainly not. That much is for certain. But this isn’t about me. Not so much in the most direct of senses. This is about her. This is about him. This is about the inbetween and all that’s left trapped within it. The hugs, the hand-holding, the dancing, the talk; I hate it all. She’s beautiful. She’s too good. She’s unique. She’s special. She’s married. And that’s where it all hits the bricks. Where was all this when she was still available. Where was all this when it could’ve actual made a difference. I won’t end with question marks because I already know the answers. I know what this is, or at least have convinced myself of nothing less.


What's Up: Get Up

I guess in the grand scheme it’s just time to come out and say what I’m sure you all already know. I can’t stick to a schedule to save my life. All these grand ideals and at the end of the day it all just falls to the wayside like so much more. While putting this out here may very well be synonymous with an inkling of light left in this dark, perhaps it is just the final flicker. I’ve been wanting to shake off the cobwebs for a bit now but then it seems like there’s plenty of walls in the way. Every writer I admire keeps saying the same thing. “Just write” or “Keep writing” and here I go spewing into the ether. It’s not like I don’t have words. Even if they’re garbage, I still have words. It’s just that, well, maybe I’m not as INTP as I thought. The schedule is stressing me out and I already burned my surplus long ago. I’m so far behind the curve and sure, why now? Let’s take on a huge project on top of all this.

I’ve gotten old. Gray’s showing. Eyes can’t quite focus. Everything tastes like dirt and can’t smell for crap. Haven’t felt anything since I realized I was a sociopath so hearing’s all I have at this point. But even with that I just don’t even know.

New—read as big—project takes shape in April. That is to say it’ll begin in April and while I still have some research to do on the legality of posting it, contractual obligations can suck a fat one, I guess time will tell if it’ll ever see the light of day. Either way I plan to go in on this a little more. I’d hate to force it but I can’t quite let it die just yet either. Need to dust off the mech-pen and draft up some work for an overhaul. Not to mention I also should finally connect some of these branches to the big tree. The fruit has soured with the old twitter but the roots still seem okay. Insta and Youtube are things and while infrequent and boring Twitch is a thing I do every now and then. Facebook can suck a big toe. Perhaps I’ll make a post about why down the line but for now, just know, it’s a non-starter. Oh and something along the line of a Snapchat embed should be interesting.

Well, so this is where I’m at. More or less. Still insane. Alone and insane. Just the way it should be. Take care.


Mainstay Monday: The Biggest Losers

The Biggest Losers of Donald Trump's Inauguration are Rappers

Let me start off by saying that this is going to be a bit of a long one so bear with me. The payoff to this joke probably won't be worth it but then again I'm not a comedian. It's really hard, especially when life more times than not, is the joke. Nihilism, hello darkness my old friend. I like that, that'll likely be the next title of my next mainstay. Here's hoping I remember.

Donald Trump. An imperative sentence. It speaks volumes. Especially if you're American. At least for now. Here, in this current era. Love or hate the individual, he's a man that's quickly transcending even the confines of being a symbol. At some point in time the man stopped being a man and started to be something, more? Or less depending on who you ask. There are people calling him the "worst of America" or a "Nazi" or "evil" and it baffles me how so much vitriol can spray from the same people who are trying to promote understanding and empathy. The hypocrisy is suffocating. Hyperbole doesn't hold enough weight to describe what's slung into the ether that is the internet. It's gotten to the point where I can almost guarantee that if this made it to enough eyes, an immediate condemnation of my person would take place. An assumption that I was an apologist or even more ludicrous, a supporter of the current President of the United States of America. It's laughable but perhaps more sad that this is what it took to bring to light the divide that has existed in this country since perhaps its very beginning. Not terrorist attacks, not systematic oppression, but the election of what amounts to an open sore. An American who's more honest in his lies than most of his detractors would ever admit of themselves but that's not exactly the point of this. The point of this is to push a joke whose payoff burdened by leagues of emotionally charged political rhetoric. That sounds nice but means little. Just go with it.

Reading is a forgotten art it seems. I don't hate Donald Trump because I've taken the time to try to understand the man. Honestly, it's likely more so since so much of my feed has dedicated itself to hatred to the level of publicly calling for the man to kill himself, that I've even found some sympathy for the "devil." I suffer from depression. I've mentioned it numerous times. You know what I don't quite talk about all that often though? The fact that people can affect my outlook on the world when then put me down. When they tell me how little I'm worth. When they utter things like "kill yourself." Words filled with such hatred and disgust are my generation’s lashes on my back. As a slave to a system that grants privilege to the wealthy and hardship to those that can do little but struggle to stay alive, I haven't forgotten all I've had to do to get to where I am today. I can't forget all I've been through to wake up every morning. It hurts. It hurts and scars and makes carry all this emotional baggage that much more difficult. But he's not a person right? He's a symbol of hatred so why should he be granted understanding, compassion? He's ignorant and instead of trying to help him, let’s vilify and destroy? How does that make sense? How can so many people not see how they are perpetrating the same cycle that creates people like him in the first place? He's flawed and emotional but he's human so it's allowed. He has made mistakes in the past but continues to move forward, trying to do what we all are trying to do. He's trying to live. He saw something wrong with the way things were and charged forward because he believed he could do something about it. He secured the vote of like-minded individuals and is doing what he believes is necessary for the world he perceives. Just as every President before him has in their own way. Except it's as though the roles have reversed. As if we are in some bizarre mirror world where the people who were supposed to be above the pettiness of oppressors and bullies have now become just that. How can I be expected to have pride in a group that decries those with differing opinions as racists/misogynists/homophobes and condone assaulting others on the street because they represent something that doesn't fit into the ideal world this wish for? How are they any better than the bullies I've faced in my life from adolescence to adulthood? How are they better than the people that make fun of me when all I try to do is my best with what I've been given? How are they any better than ANYONE who think it's better to CONDEMN someone before ever trying to HELP them? Sorry. I just don't see how anyone could honestly take pride in that.

If anyone has gotten to this point, I hope it's appreciated how the first letter of each of the previous paragraphs frame this final one. So, on to the joke. The thing is that this is America I'm talking about. Adversity, division, hardship, it all just serves to temper the country, strengthen resolves. Whatever comes from this will lead to a stronger, greater country than was started with so long as it in the end can find a way to come together and truly embrace itself for what it is, the sum of ALL of it's parts. Any with that, it's kind of niche to any of the fans of "Young Jeezy" but the reason why rappers are the real losers of Donald Trump's election as President of the United States of America is because, simply put, nothing rhymes with orange.


2.0 Tuesday:  ARrival

This isn't going to be a terribly new concept. In fact, I can't even say that I haven't delved into it in other forums already. But it really is just that important enough to warrant even greater coverage. It involves the keys to the next age, if society dares at least. That door; Augmented Reality.

Context first right? Just like when writing stories. Can't just jump straight into things since it's a "process." I get it. Really I do. But then just like when I attempt the former, can't stand exposition. So boring. But then again this isn't about that. This is 2.0 so let's roll. The story is that as far as technology seems to be progressing, we seem to be reaching a peak. Elites are taking shape but they seem to be casting more shadows than anything else--more on that in the next "Mainstay." The point is that the proficiency gap seems to be growing greater and greater. To counter perhaps in the information age the bleeding edge just appears more tangible due to the freedom of information. It's possible for sure but it seems more logical to be else. That something else being the proficiency gap.

So what do I mean by this gap? Simple, the tools are there but the questions aren't. Our innovators may very well be hibernating because aside from the sparse few, the common everyday folk appear so much more concerned with results than the inner guts. The substance. The "how" if you will. That's the problem. Without the drive to comprehend, what stokes the fires of innovation? But what do you mean? CES just passed. There are tons of new things out in the wild now. Spearhead. Concept work but the foundation is so far away. Too far away for widespread integration. The process is the old process which is stymieing our ability to reach the next age. But the keys are before us. AR. Augmented Reality holds the answers and that's what will birth the next era. Well, that or war but we'll stay optimistic for now.

So how does AR do its miracle thing? Simple. It cuts out the middle man. The time to proficiency would be a fraction of what it currently stands at so that progress could be made at greater intervals and speeds. Of course it calls for relying on true black boxes but perhaps that's where we were always meant to be. Given the freedom to truly ascend to our fullest potential.

Follow-up for sure.


Time:  00:26:59

Error to Word Ratio:  010:415

Listening:  Music from Youtube Channel SwagyTracks


Throwback Thursday: Phone Notes

Dated:  October 12th, 2013

Medium:  Cellphone Notepad

Find me dying and alone. Find me the peace that evades. Remove everything human and kill whatever remains. Clothe that which has become void. There's nothing left for us to be reminded of. So let the husk take control. Left to its own device. Fill it with the deep, dark, black. Watch no longer, just vanquish from existence.