empty lamb

So, I'm dying.

It kind of sucks and having not told anyone makes it all the worse. I miss the good days. Only a few weeks left. Maybe there'll be a place for me on the other side.

One charming evening a couple days ago I found myself on a particular website. I'm not ashamed to admit the site in question was one that proliferates pornographic material but what I found there did quite the number on my perceptions of the world itself.

Human beings are capable us supreme gestures of good and evil. It's a blanket statement that tends to become part of one's core understanding early on. (If you pay enough attention to history in grade school anyway) That being said, such was never really a subject of debate. I've seen images of war-torn countries, effects of man made toxins and plagues, murder and acts of depravity. It's, in a way, old hat. Perhaps due to desensitization or what have you, I've just come to accept such moral and ethical shortcomings as commonplace. That brings me to the "porno" that made me emotionally sick.

The video starred an erotic entertainer oh far less than a moderate number of films. It started off with somewhat of a cold open; the cameraman asking her some question about herself. It all seemed very forgettable type things until the woman in question disclosed an odd bit of information to her "producer" (we'll say). She told him about how at the age of NINE she was raped/sodomized by her step father. How it occurred for a number of years and how she developed a habit of calling the men she slept with "daddy". Needless to say, I felt sick. I felt discussed and ashamed. Especially with how during the tale, the cameraman directed her to assume provocative positions informer her that she would now be engaged in a threesome with "two daddies". My stomach churned to the unbelievable circumstances I was witness to. Were it all an act I could understand but, the inflection on this erotica star appeared quite sincere. So, how? How could this filming continue after that? I couldn't understand how in such a day and age someone could feel so little.

Watching that film was like peering into the darkness itself. Like an abyss but instead of staring back I could only perceive the cold void trying to swallow me whole. I stopped seeing that woman as an object of gratification and hoped dearly that they would either be some way for me to help her or that some one could help her. She was just a child, and to be taken advantage of in that way by someone who's supposed to be protecting you...I'm filled with such rage at the thought.

Such a world we live in, with such people in it, indeed.

I'm admittedly not well versed in the affairs of the United States armed forces. I won't begin to start down the complicated path of spokesman but I'll be darned, how can I avoid this little tidbit that's saturated the news of late?

SO let me get this out right now. I'm not a proponent of repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Altering it sure, but downright removal seems a bit premature when considering the plethora of other issues that deserve such attention. The nature of rape in the armed forces. Funding and care for returning soldiers, veterans. Redefining instruction so that "youtube" videos of soldiers wasting ammunition to blow things up and "tweets" about their location don't flood the net for ally and enemy to see alike. Before jumping straight to labeling me "homophobic", I just want to try and explain how somewhere down the line, DADT may be worth all this drama but for right now, there are  for more important things than shaking up the military structure especially while we're still in the middle of a war. And quite frankly, if the only thing stopping someone from enlisting was the fact that they would have to hide their sexuality then perhaps they don't belong there anyway.

I state such a truth because really, when did putting one's country before one's life mean said life sans being open about their sexuality? Enlisting is about sacrifice. One's time, devotion, freedoms, and in ultimate cases, their lives in effort to protect that which they love and hold dear. So, where does one's sexuality come into play in that duty? Not just for homosexuals but heterosexuals as well. Is being discharged based on one's preference extreme? Of course it is. But is opening the door and telling the majority to just "deal with it" any better? I mean heck if that's the case then it runs back toward more significant issues that should be addressed. Issues like the in a country who's native language is English American), one doesn't have to actually be able to speak it to be a citizen. When are we--who've taken the time to learn and be proficient in the language--going to stop accommodating those who don't seem to even be trying to adapt and tell them to just "deal with it"? This doesn't make any sense to me and it's not as though I haven't browsed news sites, reading articles, and rolling through comments pages.

 I stand here having listening to arguments from both sides but find the one big question that I don't see anyone asking being, "how does it help?" Joining the armed forces has never been described to me as similar to summer camp. I've grown up being told enlistment is putting one's life on hold. Though there is a lot to gain from the service there is so much that must also be sacrificed. So why is there this sudden drive to accommodate people's sexualities? And where does it end? If the next minority of people happen to be those who find themselves romantically attracted to young children, then are they going to get a say as well? Homosexuals state they can't help how they feel and can't change who they fall in love with but then again a number of pedophiles have said the same thing. Especially in a society where our youths are gaining greater and more vast amounts of knowledge than our elders. Where does a future lie in making sexuality an open door when the focus use to simply be having the desire to defend one's country and way of life?

I still for the life of me can't comprehend how it helps? How does knowing one's sexuality, homo or hetero, help someone in combat? How does it help someone at work? How does it help when you're tasked with turning civilians into warriors? Someone, anyone, just let me know how completely removing the policy does anything more than spare a couple of people's feelings, open the door to lawsuits over "hate speech" and increases in accusations of molestation or rape

Someone, anyone, just give me an answer.

We fight these endless battles with nought but the desire to survive. Life seems so lost on those of our kind. We can no longer feel anything as our bodies submerge in pain and suffering. Nothing is real anymore. There is only destruction to be wrought...

We are such simple creatures and I wonder if that isn't how we're supposed to be. The sadness is all encompassing now and it's no longer the bother it used to be. Perhaps the cold oblivion that waits is something more of a pleasure for the likes of the distraught. Save...me,...

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Listening to:  Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers