Wednesday, May 9, 2012 at 2:04PM Well it sure has been quite some time, has it not? When did the slump turn into a flat-out abyss off suck? If you guessed, "around the time the depression stopped being passive," you'd win the big prize! So what is life right now aside from all these questions?
Just. Utter. Sorrow.
Saturday, February 25, 2012 at 1:47AM Well now this is a new one. Usually I do a whole intro and stuff for planned, new, structured content but this, while new, was never truly planned and thus lacks the structure of the five day format of my original scheme. That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it from here.
Today was an interesting day to say the least. I received a call from the world-renown writer and inspirational-ist (what so I'm looking ahead a couple years, sue me) Michelle Vargas. She has shifted gears and is now taking on the profession of Life Coach. Due to circumstances in my favor, I was privileged enough to receive a session from her. Now I won't go into too much detail about it but frankly speaking, it wasn't easy. In fact what it set the stage for this day is my primary reason for making this entry in the first place.
Now I was tasked to attempt an exercise which would produce unforeseeable results upon completion. Okay, sounded easy enough and though a little hiccup or three held up the progress, the initial findings were successfully acquired. Bringing this to now, two unexpected outcomes came about this day. An old connection was revived and one, seemingly, lost.
I received a call from my older brother today. We hadn't spoken in over a year and today he randomly called me as to inquire about the absence. He wasn't particularly pleased with my answers but I tried to be as honest as possible as to not belittle his intelligence with straight lies. The conversation, however, ended on a note I lack the emotional understanding to categorize. But I guess we're 'talking' again so I guess that is something.
Now, I also received another call, this time, from an old friend which really was just a return call from one I made earlier. Unfortunately it was just as peasant. The whole time I kept thinking about how something felt off. I couldn't quite figure it out. There just seemed to be some pulling away going on but I couldn't grasp it wholly, let alone a reason why until even later on in the evening when I received an email from that very same, old friend.
I won't go into detail about what they wrote to me but here I will display what I replied:
Well,
Ah, email, the purest form I know. Let's tackle this shall we? No issue with delays, it's not as if I'm going anywhere after all. So lets see what you're getting at. Hmm, I can understand the sentiment but please do try to see it from my point of view. No video has said, 'go email someone you care about to let them know you care about them.' The video in question only helped me realize that I don't take the time to express my appreciation for what I do have in this world and that maybe such has affected my ability to receive such appreciation in return. The words and feelings expressed are all mine, if not a bit sugary. But we'll call that optimistic instead.
So, yes, we did have fifth grade together. I know this because it was something I noticed in a class photo of that year. That and I remember an instance when we had some sort of class dance situation going on and I won a pencil. That is the only concrete time I can place you in that class. No offense but, because of that, I most certainly stand by ninth grade assertion as our "official" meeting. Now I'd just jump right into the next section but at this point of reading I already felt what was coming next. Even as we spoke on the phone earlier it was pretty apparent. Now I've chosen to do these challenges because frankly it's not as actively taxing as other tasks and there's nothing to lose but plenty to gain from these new ways of interaction. Interaction with people being something I've found myself grossly loosing the ability to perform adequately. So, well, moving into the next bullet.
I don't attempt these "challenges" because I have to. I do so because I choose to.
And, now we come to the part that I was dreading as soon as I started reading your reply. Distance? Okay, if that's how you feel then by all means. I do not understand the place where that is coming from but I will respect it if you feel that it's for the best. As I mentioned earlier, I could feel this outcome as early as our conversation on the phone. Perhaps even as early as last week. But hey, it is what it is. I don't harbor any ills toward your decision and just hope it helps. That said, I guess this is it for however long it takes. Be well and find peace.
- Guardian
It's already sent out and waiting in the wings to be read but at this point I've found myself with so many thoughts of TWO thoughts. That's right, only two thoughts are spawning all of this chaos in my head. The first thought being that this friend has decided to pull away because of my decision to take part in challenges set forth to improve myself. And in a message sent to express my appreciation for them, they replied with the exact opposite of what I had hoped to expect from anecdotes shared in reply to the initial video challenge. Were it simply silence, that would be that, but I was met with was what seemed like a request to stop being friends. At such a point all I could do was continue to speculate (as I am now) about the reasoning behind such an extreme response. Thinking about what had changed lately, wondering if all this was worth it in the first place; I began slinking back into that dark depressive state I knew all too well. It was then that the second thought rang forth. I wasn't the same any more. I still feel the tinges of depression but I largely don't have the same dark inclinations. For the first time, in a long time, the mission was more important to me than dying.
I've taken on a multitude of names and personas and yet the mission has never actually changed. Depression, suicidal inclinations, all that, but what kept me anchored was the mission. I really feel I owe a large bit of it to the new influences I've found in life. Influences such as Michelle Vargas. Her words, vlogs, and book, have helped me realize how limiting I was to myself. How it was fear that was holding me back regardless of the mission I had set out to accomplish. And, now, armed with that knowledge things just seem all the more clear. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the depression, the anxiety, the fear, but now, more so than in a long span of years, I feel the drive that started me on this path in the first place. I feel a sense of motivation to finally strip away some of the self-generated chains that have clamped down my soul.
This undertaking is nothing of ease but that perhaps is why I have to do it. So I may still struggle with people and even simple things like genuine feelings but the regrets, the failures, all that means to me is that I can't die just yet. And for this cause I'd fight for eternity to bring it to fruition.
Thanks "Coach!" And thanks also to CourtneyPants, Dodger, and essentiALLY5. Just a few vloggers I've come across who have dared to share the personal struggles. The stories all have shared and the strength of will and character such actions have displayed, has helped me find something I myself thought long lost. Something I'm ashamed to have forgotten so long ago. Something only stories of super heroes had articulated to me as a kid and even now still, as an adult. Thank you all and to any I haven't directly called out, I sincerely apologize but graciously thank you as well. Its been too long since I felt the need but here I now stand leagues closer to the old me, my core, free.
Guardian.
Better Things, Wonders in SATUSATs Wednesday, February 22, 2012 at 11:59PM So if you're a loyal ready here then you've already probably seen how late this is. Sucks I know but well what can be done? Oh, well, I guess me not being a lazy a-hole...moving forward,
I had actually been looking forward to this "What's Up." You see, things have been afoot. Things I had been planning to finally get off my chest. Things to do with last week actually. You see, last week I went back to my hometown. I went back to the greatest city on Earth and though for reasons of legitimacy I really did just end up completing all of nothing but a renewed broken heart.
Last week, my first day in town, I meet up with a number of old friends I hadn't seen in years. It was, unnerving. My entire stay would've been were it not for the crazy but lets just address that later. It was uncomfortable to say the least but I pushed through. My life has been one giant mess of uncomfortable for a while now, sad to say. So we went into the city, a lounge, in effort to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in an even longer amount of time. Imagine to my surprise when one of the first people to approach me is her. The female I spent the end of my high school career and darn near half my college career obsessing over. Someone who, for all intents and purposes, was utterly unavailable. To me.
Let me preface this with something for a moment. We were close. We are still close. REAL close. I don't believe there are too many people left in this world who know me for who I was. But she, she knows what I was, what I became, and even shows some idea of what I am. She is amazing and she's the closest to love I've come in my life. I say closest because for me love is a two-way street. In my belief, if all parties involved aren't in agreement, it just becomes something along the lines of infatuation or lust even. All that said, she truly is so special to me, yet again, utterly unavailable. To me.
She's the first to approach me in the lounge. Not the first I see or who sees me of course, but the first to approach me. And she does so with a hug. She's drunk. I hold her in my arms and am instantly swept into those old feelings. My heart feels like it's going a mile a minute on a freaking bicycle. She warns me about something I'm too engrossed in her to register and then disappears back to whence she came. We, the "guys" and I, settle in to the little V.I.P. area that was set up and meet with some other friends who were there. As I'm debating what to do, sit or stand since again I'm still feeling that anxiety even though it had started mixing with desire, here she comes. Another dear friend from my past. On the plus side, she's just as emotional about my long overdue return. On the not so plus side, her "hug" turned out to be a slap. It hurt. Like hell.
Now the point of this isn't to tell the entire story of my "vacation" but rather to set the stage for this post. I spent all last week thinking about, yearning for, and acting on impulses to get merely moments in the presence of that dear friend I'd pinned over for so long, so long ago. I never actually stopped feeling for her but when she broke it to me about my unfortunate condition, I did my best to kill my heart so that it wouldn't make her uncomfortable. It was my nature to sacrifice after all. Just as the nomenclature I've come to identify with currently states. Empty Lamb. But this isn't about the darkness. Not specifically anyway.
So, a week goes by. I arrive the 12th. I arrange a meeting on the 14th. She catches on to the plan and makes sure to see me at 00:01, the 15th, instead. I make my way to the restaurant she part-times at on the 16th, and on the 17th I met up with another old and dear friend just to get stupid drunk and talk about her. I should've mentioned this earlier but she had told me she wanted to take me to the airport when it was time for my departure during the time we spent on the 15th. Unfortunately as the 18th approached she couldn't make it so I had to leave without seeing her one last time, with no idea of the next time I'd ever even make it back to my home state again. It was rough.
By the time my plane landed it seemed like the pressure in my chest was finally starting to return to normal. Homeostasis. Needless to say, this whole week, I've been thinking about her. Obsessing really. She still wants nothing to do with me in the capacity I'd always hoped for yet I can't seem to kill this. I know why of course. It's simple. Upon seeing her again, it was the first time I've felt those feelings in years. With the depression, isolation, and rage I've resided in, and have now been returning to, the standard numbness in which my soul resides.
Two weeks. For two weeks, so far, she's all I've thought about and I know that I need to stop but I also know that such action would mean to go back to the dark. I like being able to feel something other than the unbearable sorrow of a life of failure and regret. Even though this is as completely delusional as it gets, I feel as though I need this for fear that to let go would mean true isolation from the last vestige that keeps me in a place where I can interact with people in sincerity. It's something I've taken note of for a while now and simply put, I've truly lost touch. But, not in the generational way. My ideation has begun crossing fringe and is more than a little frightening, even to me. I fear I may not be able to make connections soon as I truthfully haven't in over half a decade now already.
In earnest I know what this truly is. It's the path I've chosen. It's where I chose to be but whatever humanity is left in me has the clearest of valid apprehension of such a transition. So now, in this limbo, we explore, we weigh, we wait till the choice has to be made.
Then, we step forward.
Thursday, February 9, 2012 at 11:35PM Source via Xanga: Posted 08/28/2003, 11:40 PM
Now that I think back to those days...specifically that time long ago, I can't even remember why any of it had taken place. Hmm I must have been only 16 back then...laying there half asleep, half awake...just barely holding on to the faint voice of the woman I would soon get to know very well. It occurs to me just how long I was laying there...felt like hours but probably only a matter of minutes. Hmm I was just laying there...sorta assumed at first, maybe even alittle scared actually. Hmph though after what seemed half a lifetime I just started to drift off...to not even care about the situation I had found myself in. 'Heh heh heh,' I remember laughing to myself...maybe even at myself partly. The pain was more mental than physical. It was funny how a broken leg, three cracked ribs, torn ligaments in both arms, as well as a mild concussion and all at the time I couldn't help but think about the possibility of someone finding me and taking avantage of me. It was indeed hilarious to think through all that, all those painful experiences, that at this time, as I lay there holding on to that quiet voice, the only thing that could come to mind was how I would explain this all to my mother. I shouldn't have been where I was to begin with...to think it all happened just cause I wanted to play hero. Taught me a lot, that experience did, as everything began to flash before me...the bitter cold feeling that rattled my body. Yeah, it all comes back now...not so much how it really happened, just why it did, as well as the reason for my paralysis. Hmm, I wondered what she was thinking...now that I really think about it, I couldn't even remember her face anymore. Ha! That's great! I bet my kids would love this story...they'd probably see their good ole dad as a bit of a player or pimp or something. 20 years after that experience, only 18 years since I had been engaged to that woman...the one whose voice brought me back to 'life,' so to speak. Yeah, we, engaged...funny how it turned out that her being the one that did what she did and me being the moron I was. Yeah we dated two years, were engaged, and two more years later it just fell apart I guess. Eh, it all brings me back. Yeah I remember walking by when I heard the scream...heh, I was naive then, maybe too naive, heh. Rushing in only got me to the semi-comatose state that was though, also the woman would became my first fiance. I remember all to well why death was upon me that day...why her voice was all I could hold onto to stay alive, why everything was so blurry as my head was spinning. Hmm, it probably gave me a little brain damage as now thinking back this is the only time it really hit me what had happened...about the time I thumb-wrestled death...and won! I was 16 years old, naive, and still thought I wanted to be a hero. Even now when I really am, I take that experience in stife. I rushed in when I heard a scream just to find myself on the floor. She screamed...till this day I don't know why but she did and because of that scream I had rushed in just so I could find myself on the floor, losing consciousness. She kicked me balls with all her might! ...shocked and taken off guard cause I was a guy rushing towards her while she was in the ladies' room.
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Minor edits made 09 FEB 12
...because big projects are, big.
