Throwback Thursday #7: Naivete

Source via Xanga:  Posted 08/28/2003, 11:40 PM

Now that I think back to those days...specifically that time long ago, I can't even remember why any of it had taken place. Hmm I must have been only 16 back then...laying there half asleep, half awake...just barely holding on to the faint voice of the woman I would soon get to know very well. It occurs to me just how long I was laying there...felt like hours but probably only a matter of minutes. Hmm I was just laying there...sorta assumed at first, maybe even alittle scared actually. Hmph though after what seemed half a lifetime I just started to drift off...to not even care about the situation I had found myself in. 'Heh heh heh,' I remember laughing to myself...maybe even at myself partly. The pain was more mental than physical. It was funny how a broken leg, three cracked ribs, torn ligaments in both arms, as well as a mild concussion and all at the time I couldn't help but think about the possibility of someone finding me and taking avantage of me. It was indeed hilarious to think through all that, all those painful experiences, that at this time, as I lay there holding on to that quiet voice, the only thing that could come to mind was how I would explain this all to my mother. I shouldn't have been where I was to begin with...to think it all happened just cause I wanted to play hero. Taught me a lot, that experience did, as everything began to flash before me...the bitter cold feeling that rattled my body. Yeah, it all comes back now...not so much how it really happened, just why it did, as well as the reason for my paralysis. Hmm, I wondered what she was thinking...now that I really think about it, I couldn't even remember her face anymore. Ha! That's great! I bet my kids would love this story...they'd probably see their good ole dad as a bit of a player or pimp or something. 20 years after that experience, only 18 years since I had been engaged to that woman...the one whose voice brought me back to 'life,' so to speak. Yeah, we, engaged...funny how it turned out that her being the one that did what she did and me being the moron I was. Yeah we dated two years, were engaged, and two more years later it just fell apart I guess. Eh, it all brings me back. Yeah I remember walking by when I heard the scream...heh, I was naive then, maybe too naive, heh. Rushing in only got me to the semi-comatose state that was though, also the woman would became my first fiance. I remember all to well why death was upon me that day...why her voice was all I could hold onto to stay alive, why everything was so blurry as my head was spinning. Hmm, it probably gave me a little brain damage as now thinking back this is the only time it really hit me what had happened...about the time I thumb-wrestled death...and won! I was 16 years old, naive, and still thought I wanted to be a hero. Even now when I really am, I take that experience in stife. I rushed in when I heard a scream just to find myself on the floor. She screamed...till this day I don't know why but she did and because of that scream I had rushed in just so I could find myself on the floor, losing consciousness. She kicked me balls with all her might! ...shocked and taken off guard cause I was a guy rushing towards her while she was in the ladies' room.

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Minor edits made 09 FEB 12

Throwback Thursday #6: Girls

Source via Xanga:  Posted 11/29/2003 11:08 AM

Update ALERT!!!

I met a girl who was beautiful...simply amazing...she was funny and just plain fun to be around I had harbored great feelings for her and her me but before the tale could end I began to see an interesting side of her that maybe I would've been happy not to...We formed a relationship like no other I had ever had but then that was a long long time ago...over time she grew to hate me and now my existence forsaken...

I met a girl who was brillant...maybe the smartest girl I had met in a long time...she was great to look at heh...but seriously she was really good looking and I thought she could actually follow my train of thought...what a great friend to have I thought and thus set out to spawn a friendship of such...after time though I began to realize it had been luck and that a friendship may not be possible...now I wonder just what's going to happen next as the year comes closer and closer to an end...

I met a girl who was very unlike any other girl I had known...she was a blast from the past...already knowing of her existence prior to my contact with her it made me wonder why it had been different now than it was before ...I was better back then...she was really cool and exciting maybe because she brought something that no one else had really brought to my life...after time though I found she had an attraction to older guys...she wasn't the first to have ever told me that...I began to wonder if R. Kelly really had something there...

I met a girl who was very different...she was somewhat of an eccentric I guess but in all the most entertaining of ways...after time however I began to realize that all the excitement, inuendo, and all that fun of taboo was all there was...yeah she just wasn't one for dealing with the joys of sorrow...

I met a girl who actually was connected to two other girls...all three of them had very appealing characteristics and grand friendships were fostered over time although as more time progressed I began to loose contact with one...and with the other two I've just been loosing credibility...I guess it's true the saying about some people just being better in doses...

I met a girl who was a real "badass" she was strong, smart, and seductive like no other...she didn't have too much of a problem being herself and literally was everything she said she was...never concerned about what others thought of her...she was herself in all that she was...We were once bitter enemies...now we're...not sure but we chill sometimes...I'd call her a friend...

I met a girl who actually met me and introduced me to herself...she's pretty straightforward and well a really really intersting friend...

I met a girl who was pretty short...she was maybe the most layed back girl I had ever known...but as we became friends and I got to know her I began to see that there was alot more to her than I had previously thought...I had thought she was carefree but now that really know her she is working harder than anyone I know even though she is alittle lost...I'll continue to stand by her if she'll ever need me because she's just too good a person to have face this world of pain alone...I'll do what I can, it's what friends are for...

I met a girl who had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen...too bad she thinks I'm nuts! Heh...

I met a girl who well not really sure...she's good looking, smart, about to go off to college...hey she started talking to me! Heh don't know really what to say...just that I don't mind getting to know her better...

I met a girl who seems to have a secret friendship with me...not sure why but it's one of a kind...

I met a girl who is religious and somewhat alotta horny...we talk every now and then pretending nothing had happened...who knows maybe it was a dream...

I met a girl who shared with me her world...to this day we keep contact but well I can't say too much about her...she's just so unique and amazing that nothing I could say would really be accurate enough...

I met a girl who liked me...oh man too bad I flinched...

I met a girl who...I told I loved and to this day I still do...I had told it to her and she had said it back...I can't say too much about her mainly because if I were to get started it might take hours to finish...she is like a perfect girl...her personality, her strengths , even her weaknesses...I've only met one girl like her and that is her...unfortunately I haven't met another girl like her since...it's true I love her and that she's probably the only girl I can say I love with all intents and purposes but we're just friends and I'm glad...

Aright sorry everyone that my first post in a very long time had to be so personal but I dunno...I just wrote about some women...heh hopefully they never read it and figure out that I'm writing about them...ah well yeah I really do hope everyone..every friend I've made is doing well and I must say I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get around on Xanga as often as before...I've just been so swamped...sorry...well I do have some vaca coming up so hopefull by then I'll be able organize things and get back on track to contact with everyone I've had the pleasure of meeting during my time here...yup well I guess that's it for this update...as always...peace out

What's Up Wednesday Number One

Well now this is long overdue but here comes the next installment of my quest to subscribe to some sort of order/structure for this thing I call an outlet for chaos. What's Up Wednesday is essentially just going to be a check in to express where I'm currently at. That being said, this stuff may very well be quite esoteric. So, anyway, after taking so much time and slacking so hard, here goes:

"What's Up" Number One

Currently I'm not exactly sure what I am doing any more. There are so many projects I'm leaving to gather dust that it's definitely of concern for me. "FunDtail", "the Saint Sage Path", "FPLYCYD", the weekly schedule here, as well as just my backlog of topics I had been meaning to cover in the first place. And all of that's just on the create side of the table, the improve side is just as uncomforting. It sounds like the world I'm dancing around is overwhelming but in truth I don't know if I even feel any thing close to that right now.

What am I feeling? That has been on my mind for a bit of a while now. It's quite perculiar to say the least since I really have no idea how to even approach that topic. It's not quite numb but not quite depression either. I know it's not happiness because I still feel like a failure. A failure not content to end out in such a manner but a failure nonetheless. Perhaps overwhelmed is the absolute truth. Maybe that's exactly why I don't know what I'm feeling or even what TO feel.I'm really taking a lot here both mentally and even physically. What if I've just crossed my limit?

If this is my limit I'd think this truly was depressing. My legs are in quite a bit of pain. Open sores that seem to have spread across at least 60% of epidermis. Itching, stinging, just pain and being winter I get to enjoy the not so gentle chaffing of pant and flesh. Creams fail me since it's not fully scabbed over and the dry nature of this area just continue to crack damage what few surface areas unaffected. This sure sucks.Though that's it.

What else do I feel? What am I SUPPOSED to feel?

Throwback Thursday #5: Old Philosophy

Source via Xanga:  Xsuit

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Update Alert!!!

Michael Lamb is the name of a beggar…the endless streams of philosophy mean nothing to the uninformed idealists. “What is the point of saying something senseless to someone who would try and make sense of it?” The meaning of life is meaningless, an endless inquiry that revolves around unimportant details. “What’s the point of knowing your reason for life if you don’t even know your reason for death?” Time doesn’t in actuality exist…one moment to another is just that as point a to point b are just paths of dreamers looking to have control over that which cannot be controlled. “Are you the shepherd or are you the shepherded?” Endless streams of philosophy will continue to exist as long as ignorance runs rampant. “Are you happy because you don’t know sadness or because you do?” The influences of the world only exist because we are led to believe we are weak. “If you are strong why don’t you succeed?” When common fundamentals are excused you are left with extremes. Common sense does not exist because nothing is common. Rationality is a reaction to fear while innovation is a reaction to the lack of. “Are names used?” The five senses combine to make the sixth sense. Good and evil don’t feed off of each other because they both don’t exist. There is no such thing as an end to chaos as there is no such thing as an end to peace. The balance of right and wrong is nonexistent, but only a fabrication of the same who choose to ignore their own ability to fail. Love and pain aren’t related but are flaws of living creatures. The same flaws that allow life to continue, through death life persists. “But if life begets death and death begets life then which isn’t real?” Words are as powerful as the user of them. The sixth sense is very sharp and hard to manipulate, but only to those who are confused by simple questions. All questions are simple because they are merely answers to fears. If you look hard enough you will find that there is nothing to see, but if you choose to be enlightened you’ll realize a single path does exist and stand above any other. Humans are batteries in what is supposedly taught to be life, expiration dates and all. The strong give up because they are aware of their ignorance but the weak give up because they are unaware of theirs.

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Throwback Thursday #4: Tell Three

Source via Facebook Notes

by Morribb Tyler Lehrer on Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 3:11am

Something sad and lonely. Something depressing. The grays that mix with black. It's so convoluted. Where are all the happy smiling kids with their puppy dogs and lollipops? What the fuck happened to America so that a kid can't go into a Saturday night without looking for some sort of intoxication? Is the world so bad? Have things gotten so bleak that no one wants to be here? That people would much rather just coast on the edge of living until their time finally runs out. I don't smoke but maybe I should. It'd make shit like this seem cooler wouldn't it?